Thursday, October 15, 2009
Why Was This Family Denied Entrance to Mallory Country Club?
Words Laura Johnson Dahlke
Thursday, October 15th, 2009 at 9:54 am
In April 2009, Nate Silver was named one of The World’s 100 Most Influential People by Time Magazine.
Looks like a wedding to us.
This statistician, writer, and analyst invented PECOTA, a complex system to forecast performance of Major League baseball players. In 2007, he used similar statistical analysis to predict political and cultural outcomes with remarkable accuracy. He correctly predicted Barack Obama to win the November 2008 presidential election within 12 electoral votes, identifying the winner in 49 of the 50 states as well a correctly predicting every Senate race.
On his web site FiveThirtyEight.com, Silver has a prolific set of predictions ranging from cap-and-trade to tracking polls to senate races. Among his prediction models are several regarding gay rights. In one entitled, “Will Iowans Uphold Gay Marriage?” Silver predicts when each of the 50 states will vote against a ban on gay marriage. Virginia is slated in the middle of the pack for 2015.
The legalization of same-sex marriage could not come soon enough for gay and lesbian couples residing in Virginia, giving them the same legal rights as heterosexual couples. Rights Dr. Martha Daas and Ms. Shannon Bowman, a lesbian couple living in Norfolk, wish they could have now.
On May 20, 2007, Daas and Bowman made a lifetime commitment to one another. They had a wedding ceremony, albeit no marriage license, at the Norfolk Botanical Gardens, acknowledging their intention to live together as a family, fit with out-of-town guests, vows, carefully chosen attire, dance and celebration. It was the closest thing to a legal marriage a lesbian couple can have in the state of Virginia.
Since, Daas and Bowman have been active members of the community, especially in West Ghent where they reside and raise their two children, Maggie, 8, and Oliver, 3 months. Daas is a professor of Medieval Spanish Literature at Old Dominion University (ODU) and Bowman owns her own advertising business. By anyone’s standards, this dynamic, professional couple seeks to work hard and give back to the community in which they live.
Last year, Bowman helped spearhead WOW, a language program for public elementary students at W.H. Taylor and Larchmont. She hopes the program can expand to other schools. WOW offers participants introduction to Spanish or French, with ascending levels each year. Daas has taught at Old Dominion University for about eight years, last year earning tenure. She is the Director of the Spanish Program and well published in her field.
Like many hardworking residents in West Ghent, they hoped to join Mallory Country Club for a place to relax and swim during the hot summer months. It is within walking distance of their home, an easy scooter ride for Maggie and stroll with Oliver.
“It’s really that simple,” Bowman said, “We just wanted a place to swim.”
Their attempt to join as a family, however, would not be simple. Their first request was denied, and when a proposed by-law was rewritten to “allow same sex couples and their dependents to apply as regular members to the club,” it was voted down. The majority of members actually supported the by-law by a vote of 179.5 to 125.5, but a two-thirds majority–or two hundred and seven votes–were needed to pass the change.
When asked to discuss the by-law change results, acting Mallory Country Club President Jim Farrell said he had, “No comment.”
This is actually the second time club members have tried to change the rules to allow families with gay partners.
“It was five or six years ago,” said Tom Robotham, a former Mallory Country Club member. “A group of us launched a petition drive to have the bylaws changed to allow people who are not legally married but live together as a family for all intents and purposes to get a family membership. The issue had a majority of votes by did not have the required two-thirds votes to pass.”
“There’s no question some of the members were overtly homophobic,” added Robotham, a member for some 15 years.
As it stands, Daas and Bowman can join as “singles,” but not as a family, which doubles the cost.
Family.
“This is death by 100 cuts,” Daas said. “If we could run to the courthouse and get married, we would.”
“We feel really disappointed,” Bowman said.
The couple simply desires the same consideration as committed, albeit married, partners.
“People will never understand unless they’re in it,” Daas said. “It’s a heteronormative society.”
As implied in the by-law’s wording, “regular” members are either single people or married couples (with or without children).
Achieving family status requires legal marriage, despite sharing a household and raising children.
“We are not considered a family,” Daas said.
Although the definition of what constitutes a family is dynamic in this country, it is clear what is seen as regular or normal at Mallory—heterosexual, legally married, with biologically produced children.
“It is clear to me, many members of Mallory don’t want gay people at the pool. What else could it be [when they voted against the by-law change]?” Daas said.
The only hope for gay and lesbian couples is to have the same legal rights and status in society as heterosexual couples via legal marriage.
And if Silver is right, times they are a changin’–state by state. By 2024, he predicts all 50 states are to vote against a ban on same-sex marriage. Based on his previous predictions, I wouldn’t bet against him.
In the mean time, Bowman and Daas will continue to persevere. They will continue to work hard, give back to their community and raise their children. They will continue to experience prejudice but hopefully this will subside as gay marriage becomes legal and it is socially unacceptable to deny rights based on sexual identity.
As our culture moves toward equality, it moves toward its most ideal self. This self gives rather than takes, accepts rather than judges, loves rather than hates. It is hard to let go of our divisive nature and the need to be right and make a wrong. Once we do, however, the world, our country, our state and our community will be better places.
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ABOUT THE WRITER
Laura Johnson Dahlke teaches online English courses for Metropolitan Community College in Omaha, Nebraska, and writes critical and creative work. She has a master's degree in English from the University of Nebraska at Omaha ('03) and a master of fine arts in creative nonfiction from Antioch University Los Angeles ('05). She has lived in West Ghent for one year with her family.
Other posts by Laura Johnson Dahlke.
Other posts by Laura Johnson Dahlke.
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“It’s a heteronormative society.”
That quote is so sadly true. I’m a very liberal person with as many gay friends as straight friends. And yet I know that I’ll never feel the full weight of this prejudice.
I was watching a Top Chef marathon on tv the other day, and every season they always do some kind of wedding challenge. After this one, one chef–a lesbian–was all upset by it. She said to the other gay chefs (as always, there were several; a proper representation of the culinary or any community), “Do I really need to explain why I’m so fired up?” And honestly, I had no idea. She explained that she thought it was kind of ridiculous how they’re forced to participate in a challenge centered around a tradition that she and several other contestants are pointedly excluded from. Another lesbian chef said, “Honestly, I’m upset with myself that I’m not more fired up about it.
That really made me realize just how “heteronormative” our society is. That it didn’t even occur to me or some of the gay people on the show even, just how blatantly and nonchalantly we exclude a major portion of our society from something the rest of us take for granted.
I mean, let’s be real, we live in a culture that has trashed the sanctity of marriage. Divorce is so typical it’s shocking. There’s a movie called “The Starter Wife.” Adultery is rampant.
And still gays don’t even have the opportunity to marry. I hope this and other stories give more people that moment of clarity just how fucked up and real this prejudice is.
i wonder how many of the other club members have been required to haul in their marriage certificates.
the va pilot’s story listed some of the excuses people gave for voting no in a close vote… some of them were pretty thin, but the bothering to make excuses other than “same-sex couples don’t belong here” gives me hope. maybe if the next round’s wording is clear-cut enough to force people to proclaim themselves for either bigotry or change, more votes will reverse.
as a long-term cohabitor, i’m pretty fond of businesses savvy enough to base memberships on “households” if people’s finances are mixed up together enough to justify sharing. still, i can see not wanting to let in the riffraff like me — the ones who COULD legally marry their significant others and just don’t — and this particular couple is clearly married in all but the legal sense. i wonder if having supportive local ministers issue some form of “non-legal marriage certificate” would be at all helpful for organizations wanting to recognize marriage but willing to accept a bigger definition of it than that recognized by current law…
Kait…I wondered the same thing. With so many woman keeping their own last names following marriage…do the club staffers accepting an application for a family membership even question if the applicants “look like a married couple”…?…this so sucks…
Please, please please check out the comments section in The Pilot’s version of this story. It scares the crap out of me.
http://hamptonroads.com/2009/10/country-club-bars-samesex-family-membership-vote
It still blows my mind that people today can still be so narrow minded about certain thing; race, sexual orientation, political views. Its the year 2009 almost 2010, how are people still holding onto their so called “right way” views if they aren’t letting people live the life they want. All people want is to ultimately be happy, and its total BS, that those peoples fate rests in the hands of biased/homophobic assholes. (excuse my language)
I am gay and this article disturbs me on so many levels.
First of all I believe same sex couple should be afforded the same rights. No doubt.
However, I cannot support this particular battle…. this is a private club… PRIVATE club… if I want to have a private club and not include smokers… so help me God I do not want ANYONE telling me otherwise. Hence – it is a PRIVATE club. Now if this was a public club… oh yeah, I would follow them with my battle cry.
I am dismayed that this couple chose to fight this battle now… I find it further alienates our efforts to integrate with our society as a whole and equally by not respecting institutions decisions at private levels. I fight so hard to fight these battles on my own fronts… and this situation I feel takes us 5 steps backwards… We need to be smarter than this. Come on guys!
I agree with Hanna completely… our society is hetero-normative… however do we fix it by forcing the pill down their throat? Or do we help it down with some honey? Perhaps some training, awareness and respect? Not attempting to make a to-do about a PRIVATE organization… keep your eye on the ball! This is not it.
Get smarter guys… geezus.
I can see the point about it being a private club, but many of the club members wanted the by law to pass–so it’s just a matter of time. I think things need to change at the state level first and then such clubs will soon follow. After all, it’s not identifying as a Christian organization. One thing that seems very clear, though, is that many of those that opposed the by-law change don’t want to “own” it. They don’t want to comment or make waves; they sheepishly hold these fears and beliefs about homosexuals among those who are like minded but not publicly. I say, speak up and own it. Wear your prejudice on your sleeve and see how long it lasts. If people really listen to their internal wisdom and not ideologies, they will feel wrong about judging others and promoting division.
Laura, nice points as well. I still stand by my own opinion above, just as women rose through the ranks in the work force, breaking glass ceilings… they did not make much headway with unseaworthy cases, but rather outsmarting and working hard and seamlessly suddenly becoming part of the fold. I think you are right on, we need change at the state level first, and clubs will follow. But indeed, pay attention as not alienate in the process getting there. This is a game of chess of sorts.
I would be highly pissed and find this article “seaworthy” if it was documented that “straight co-habitating couples” were let in without a marriage certificate in this same club. Then – we would have a REAL story. But that was never mentioned in any of the articles.
Ya know, the whole term “country club” gives me the shivers. These organizations are all about exclusivity. While I feel it’s the stupidest thing in the world not to let in a paying family (as a family), no matter their sexual preference, I’m not too sure I’d want membership in a club that didn’t want me. There are other places to swim that are not exclusive. Might it be that this couple wanted the country club life even more than they wanted “a place to swim”? We are, after all, surrounded by water… Just a thought.
If you were to visit “The Mallory” you would learn that “Country Club” is a bit of an ironic misnomer. I think that the majority members could take up a collection and help these folks obtain single memberships. As such, they would get 2 votes on future bylaw change votes instead of one.