“Who wants tickets to the gun show?”

The writer, right. Some see her and think "machine gun."

This question was presented to me by my 5’2” friend who recently started to work out with the fervor of a Kardashian on speed. I was expecting her to ask me to feel her newly-formed biceps, but, no, she literally meant the gun show at the Scope on Feb 20-21.

This ultra-liberal, Obama-loving lady announced that she needed to get a gun, “before Obama took them away from us.” She added that since I was a, “republican and a red neck,” that I would be all for it. Indeed, I was all for it. Growing up in Western PA meant that I knew more people who owned guns than who did not, and I am not afraid of guns. On the flip side, I really know nothing about them and have never familiarized myself with one. I also do not know if owning a gun is a political statement, although I will say that some candidates used the opportunity to campaign outside the Scope.

I was greeted by a lovely older gentleman who announced that I, “looked like the kind of girl who needed a machine gun.” I laughed and told him that I would probably be tempted to use it. He said that his wife joked that PMS permits one get-out-of-jail card for all women. I immediately felt comfortable, because the first few vendors that I approached were very funny, helpful, and appeared to be honest.

From a gun show in Houston (No pictures allowed at The Scope show.) (Photo | Michael Glasgow)

I had already called my uncle, my guru on matters involving home repairs, car problems, and, now, guns. The conversation went something like this:

Me: “You will never guess where I am and why I am calling you. I want to get a gun.”

Uncle: “You are where? Who is with you? A what?”

Me: “I am at a gun show…. alone because I didn’t want to get up early and my friend went without me… what kind should I get?”

Uncle: “For you, none. Shit! Well, look at the Taurus. Say you want a 40 caliber; you will sound like you know what you are talking about. How much power do you need? What are you trying to do?”

Me: “I don’t want to kill anyone. I just want to be able to shoot a burglar in the ass, if need be. I will keep you posted.”

So I struck up a conversation with the first vendor that carried Taurus guns and also had a woman sales person. I was not strong enough to cock the gun, which meant that I also would not be able to fix a jam or readily use it. She turned me onto the idea of a small revolver. I appreciated her patience and honesty with me, as, after quickly recognizing that my knowledge and skill are both limited, directed me to a local place called, “Bob’s.”

I scanned the booths for other small revolvers, but I was intimidated. Most of the vendors were not local, which meant that if I had a problem or question, I could not readily irritate them with my list of questions. Obtaining a gun is surprisingly easy: show two forms of ID that include your current address and complete an application. In order to get a carry and conceal permit, one has to buy a gun and then take a class.

The Taurus.

I was concerned about what to do next. I befriended another patron who told me that some of the local gun places offer lessons and/or access to a shooting range, with the purchase of a gun. That sounded like a plan to me. I decided that of all the things that are acceptable impulse buys, like lip gloss that I really don’t need or an extra bag of dog treats, a gun is not one of them. Gun shows are for people who know what they are looking for, how to use the items, and what the items should cost.

Aside from selling knives, swords, and other weapons, I was surprised to find grilling accessories, arts and crafts, jewelry, and a Pampered Chef table. While I wouldn’t quite say that there is something for everyone, I will say that I was surprised that I was entertained for quite a bit of time, as were many other spectators. Tag-along spouses, friends, and children were not forgotten.

Now to my favorite item and vendor at the show: tasers from Bowe Knives in Richmond. When I think of protection and times when I really feel nervous, it is when I have to park in a parking garage and walk for blocks to meet the girls at a hole-in-the wall bar, or on the rare occasion that I go for a run and see a suspicious-looking man or large dog in my path. I really do not need to be walking around with a gun, but a taser is a perfectly acceptable item to have in my purse! As I perused the guns nervously, something kept calling me back to that empowering tazzzing sound.

When I squeezed the button on the taser, David Bowes, owner of Bowe Knives, a grizzly-looking man with a bright smile and inviting laugh said, “1.2 million volts will blow ‘em plum off a ya. You don’t wanna play around. In about four seconds, he will be singin’ Mickey Mouse and swimmin’ in his own pee pee.”

Bowe has been in business for about a year now and specializes in tasers, knives, and swords. My purchase lists among his top selling items; he attends at least one show per week and sells about six dozen per show.

Carly will taze the bejesus out of you. (Photo | Jason Bain)

When I asked him his thoughts on owning a gun versus owning a taser, he quickly replied that he is not against guns—he just doesn’t sell them. One advantage is that many crimes can be prevented just by letting the potential perp know that you have a taser. “They will leave you alone and bother some other person.” Also, “it will knock someone out but not kill them, unless they have some sort of very serious heart problems.”

He offered some advice for potential buyers: “Everyone can afford $40 for a taser, but not everyone can afford $400 for a gun.” Make sure that you buy something with at least 1.2 million volts. “If it is pink or purple, it is probably for looks, not protection. Make sure it is strong enough to stop someone in their tracks.”

So I bought my very first taser and put it in my purse, a little more settled knowing that, with just the flick of a finger, I can make an attacker swim in his own pee-pee.

For more information on gun-related issues and questions for Virginians, visit The Virginia Citizens Defense League at www.VCDL.org