So Santa was nice to you, Virginia (I told you he was real), and brought you a beautiful new Schwinn Sting-Ray, with a pink banana seat, sparkly grips on the high rise bars, a plastic basket, and even a little license plate.

Oh, it's a sad sight! (Photo: thegoat.backcountry.com)

Don’t lose it.

The best way to lose you lovely new bike, Virginia, is to leave it leaning up against the front window as you “run in quick” for a Slurpee. You come out just a minute later, but your bike, basket, and phone are all gone.

Put a lock on that bike, Virginia. And remember what the hipster kids learn the hard way: a ten dollar cable lock is not a bargain. It only takes a practiced bike thief ten seconds to snap a cable lock with a pair of bolt cutters.

When it comes to bike theft, Norfolk is still in the minor leagues. In cities like Amsterdam and New York, experienced cyclists are willing to pay more for a lock than for a bike: a fifty-euro, four-kilo steel shackle on a twenty-euro, thirty year-old city bike… Bike thieves in the major leagues operate with vans, bottle jacks, and power tools. Here in Norfolk, and Hampton Roads, most bike thieves are armed with a simple pair of bolt cutters: two or three feet long, and costing only twenty or thirty bucks, they can cut through half an inch of steel chain or cable. Those twenty-dollar bolt cutters will defeat cables and chains that cost twice as much in just a couple seconds.

U-lock.

So your challenge, Virginia, should you choose to accept it, is to buy a lock that will keep your bike where you left it, but won’t be a pain in the ass to carry around or break the piggy bank. A hundred-dollar, Brooklyn-certified U-lock lock does you no good if it busts out the bottom of your white plastic handlebar basket (the one with the permanent, fake flowers on the front).

A good rule of thumb for Norfolk is that a bike lock should cost five or ten-percent of what you paid for your bike. If you’re riding a hundred dollar Huffy, then buy a ten dollar combination chain lock. If you’re riding a carbon fiber custom rig, maybe a hundred dollar lock isn’t overkill.

Cable locks are next to useless if they’re just twisted cable. Look instead for braided cable, which puts up more resistance against bolt cutters. But even sixty-dollar  cable locks can be cut, given enough time  And don’t bother with hardware store steel chain, sold by the foot.

Chains are easy to transport and easy to wrap around immobile objects, but they’re easily busted unless you buy a higher-end chain from Kryptonite or On-Guard (the industry leaders). Both companies sell Ne York-style chain locks. These chains run to about three feet long, ten pounds, and eighty or a hundred bucks. They’re best worn messenger-style around your hips.

The best bang for your buck, Virginia, is to get yourself a U-lock. A thirty dollar U-lock is thick enough to hold off bolt cutters, but only weighs a couple of pounds. After the U-Lock Bic Pen Trick was posted on YouTube, all of the major lock makers switched over to “disc keys,” which cannot be opened with a five-cent, plastic pen.  Just about every U-Lock is sold with a frame mount, so you can keep it safely stowed on your bike.  Conveniently accessible, but not banging against your knees or forgotten at home.

For a full round-up and review of bike locks, check out Scott Elder’s classic Slate.com article: The best lock to protect your bike.

Sturdy lock + sturdy rack = safe bike.

Don’t forget good locking technique. Give everything the “shake test”: if you shake the pole/tree/post/whatever, and it wobbles, then it’s not strong enough to resist a bike thief; they’ll just carry away your locked bike, and leave behind a broken bike rack.

If you don’t want your bike (*ahem*) “impounded” by the Norfolk Police Department (Norfolk City Code, Section 25), then get yourself a registration sticker from your local precinct. It’s free, and supposedly available 24/7 at every precinct front desk (actual results may vary). Bike stickers are proven to deter bike thefts, at least by those in blue uniforms. While there is no explicit Norfolk City ordinance prohibiting bicycles from being locked to municipal property (parking meters, sign posts, trees, etc), some more zealous officers will cut your lock on the grounds that it damages public property, especially if you’re missing a city sticker.

And a last trick for you, Virginia: always make sure that yours is the best-locked bike on the block: lock your bike next to a bike with a dollar store lock, or no lock at all. When that nasty bike thief comes along, he’ll take the easier pickings, and leave a hard-knock lesson in bike locks for the other person.