Dear Advice A Toi,

I hope you guys can help with this. It’s not really a “relationship” problem, but if I don’t get a handle on this I’ll never have another relationship to worry about.

I’m not a bad-looking guy, and I do ok with the ladies. I feel like I can pretty often convince a girl that going out with me is a good idea. And occasionally I’ve even been able to convince a girl that getting naked with me is a good idea.

But here’s the problem: I have a hard time rising to the occasion.

It’s not a medical thing–I’m young enough to do all the right things physically–it’s got more to do with nerves. This only happens on my initial encounter with a lady. If I somehow get a second round with a girl I tend to do pretty well for myself.  I have my ways of getting around this “little dilemma,” but it’s pretty embarrassing, and it’s not exactly something the little blue pill can remedy.

What do I do?

–Big Softie

Dear Big Softie,

Can’t say I can relate at all with the physical aspect of your performance problem. Jess may have some better advice for you and your little guy in that respect.

However, I think this is much more of a psychological issue anyway. And I’ve got a lot of those, myself. So let’s get you through these hard times and into harder times.

Softie, you’re psyching yourself out. And while most things in life of course get easier once you start doing them, girls aren’t like that. They’re easier the first time you get their panties off and you still have all that early mystique. Once that wears off and you move into the sweatpants phase of dating, sex is definitely not gonna have that same first-time feel. It’s not like pancakes. You can’t throw the first one out automatically, because let’s face it, you may not have a chance to use the rest of that batter, so to speak.

First of all, you’ve gotta know that you can swing and hit it on the first pitch. This sounds easy, but we both know it’s not. Seriously open yourself up every time to the fact that your penis may actually work with you on this one. Don’t add any pressure, but tell yourself (and believe) that it’s not an every-single-time kind of thing.

Second, if you are commonly getting in girls’ pants after a sweaty night at the bar, you may want to try a new tact. Dehydrated with four or five beers in you is usually a hindrance to getting it up (and keeping it up). Besides, you should have sex with her after buying her dinner. Call me old-fashioned, but trust me.

Third, prep a stash of fluffer-type items in your bathroom or staging area. Make out, excuse yourself to get a condom, go look at your absolute favorite porns and then come back and get it going. If she seems like she could be into it, do this with her.

Fourth, clear your head. Stop thinking about work. Stop thinking about life. Stop accidentally letting the image of Abraham Lincoln’s head on your fifth-grade teacher’s naked body pop into your mind. And most importantly, stop thinking about your little problem. Just unfocus. If that doesn’t come so easily, consider going to a therapist and telling her about all your shit.

Fifth, exercise. It does wonders for your sex drive and stamina anyways. (Or so I hear.)

And finally, be really clear about what turns you on. I don’t know how it is for guys, but for girls, we have pretty distinct erogenous zones. And also as a girl I think sometimes it’s harder to tell the dude, ‘Hey I’m not into what you’re doing, please cut that shit out.’ We like to be polite. If this is in any way the case for you, my advice is F That. Know what you need and tell her.

Good luck, my friend,

Hannah

Hey Hannah’s ex-boyfriend,

Thanks for writing. It was very brave of you.

Old chap, I’ve got some bad news for you. In doing Internet research about your problem, I found information that suggests girls don’t like it when you try to jam your flaccid penis inside them. Dumb broads, right?

Anyway, a few practical suggestions:
- Get a little drunk so you aren’t thinking too hard about it.
- There is often (in my meager experiences) a point just before sex when the woman goes to the bathroom to do mysterious things. While she’s there use her silk sheets, picture Vanna White turning letters, and create thyself a chubby.
- Throughout the date, look for her flaws. Every girl (and human) has them. Maybe her nose is a little big. Maybe there’s some hair coming out of it. And maybe that hair is French braided. Whatever it is, there’s something, and hopefully focusing on that ugly something will knock her enough off the mental pedestal you’ve put her on so that you can get it up.

And if all else fails, use that lemon of a penis you’ve got and make some delicious penisade. I suggest next time you can’t get it up with a girl you instead do tricks with it. Tie it around so it looks like the face of a bird. Twist it around like a pretzel. If all else fails stick it between your legs and do the Buffalo Bill dance from Silence of the Lambs. Anything–even coming off like a deranged maniac–is better than coming off like a limp dick.

Okay… so I was going to end with that Buffalo Bill joke, but I just had my ahah! ED moment. Next time you’re with a girl and you feel this problem coming on, flip the script right away. At a moment of heavy passion stop the proceedings and say, “I know this sounds crazy, but I want us to wait to have sex.” And then she’ll say, “Why?” And you’ll say, “Because I’ve got a feeling this relationship could go somewhere, and I wouldn’t mind the first time we have sex to be making love. Or at least something closer to making love than we’d have tonight.”

And then put on The Bends and go down on her until she passes out and/or done loses her mind. You’re all winners and next time you’ll perform like the champ you know you are.

God bless!

Jesse