The Dating Life of a PETA Activist
No Animals Were Harmed in the Making of This Column
Words Christine Dore
Monday, September 28th, 2009 at 9:51 am
“So where exactly do you work?” he crooned from across the table, swirling his glass of wine and leaning in. “PETA,” I replied.
Can someone tell me, where the F are guys like this?
The swirling jerked to a stop and the glass was planted on the table. He sat back deep in his chair, which made uncomfortable-sounding creaks.
And here is where I always lose ‘em.
Is it the meat guilt? Are they intimidated by a woman who spends her 9 to 5 as an activist? Maybe the opinions of my place of work are too strong. Our reputation too bold.
I’ll never know for sure, but I have certainly had my share of, well, let’s call it research.
Having been single for over two years now, I decided to take matters into my own hands and really throw myself out into the dating scene once I got over the last jerk that broke my heart. I mean, I watched The Millionaire Matchmaker… It didn’t seem that hard. I knew finding a man at work was out of the question. (Not only are there slim pickins of single men at PETA, I also didn’t want to bring drama into my professional life.) But I assumed it would come natural. I thought maybe it would be a struck-up convo at Harris Teeter, a Barnes and Noble run-in perhaps; “Oh, you like this book too?!!” You know…something that would happen to Jennifer Aniston.
Now that naivety makes me giggle. Life doesn’t happen by accident.
So I polished up an online dating profile and match.com’med it up for about a year. When typing out my answers and scanning through appropriate first date conversations in my head, I had to really force myself to think about what I was looking for. I had never dated a fellow vegetarian before, but back in Michigan, that really wasn’t an option.
Should I make that a priority for my selection process? It would certainly feel like a luxury to have someone who, off the bat, understood that important part of my life. It would make meals easier. It’d be nice for my partner to respect my career and understand the depth of my choices. But at the same time, should I deny someone because we don’t share this quality? What if they were respectful of my choices despite our differences? Surely if I could create a magic potion and pick my perfect mate, vegetarianism would be on the checklist, but in the end, I decided to be open to all possibilities and let the universe take me on a ride.
So I tried. And failed. And tried. And failed again. I met men who said they’d call and then conveniently fell off the face of the earth. I met men who said they wouldn’t call because they didn’t care for me/couldn’t relate to me/thought I was too different/too extreme/etc. After a year of frustrations, bad dates, and rude men, I retreated with a broken ego. Having heard the same things over and over again and getting rejected for the same reasons over and over again, it became hard to not let their opinions of me become my opinions of me.
But after licking my wounds for a short while and putting myself through a killer dating detox, I knew I couldn’t let those destructive thoughts in. Being vegan and a professional animal rights activist are huge parts of my life and they are part of what makes me strong. And no man should make me feel anything less than fabulous.
Don’t get me wrong, the single life is fantastic in many ways, too. But a major part of being vegan for me is about having a big heart overflowing with selfless loving energy. And while the bulk of that gets put toward my job and family, it can be nice sometimes to find a good home for the overspill.
""
COMMENTS
Facebook comments:
ABOUT THE WRITER
Christine grew up in southwest Michigan where she studied advertising and promotion at Western Michigan University. She moved to Norfolk in 2007 to work for PETA in the online marketing department where she is currently a senior online marketing coordinator. She lives in the Ghent neighborhood in Norfolk with her two cats, Howdy and Francis.
Other posts by Christine Dore.
Other posts by Christine Dore.
RELATED POSTS
- Friday Featured Artist: Andrew Breitenberg
- Op-ed: Bus Rapid Transit a Viable Alternative to Extending The Tide
- Reasons to Leave Your House This Weekend | Beer Fest Weekend Edition
- Release: Hampton Roads Gets its ‘Reality Check’
- Pop-up Gallery Review: ‘Cuban Coolout 2′ Presented by the Dapbatter Curry Club
More Features Posts
RSS
Yes PETA does tend to polarize everything they touch. Some of their goals I sympathize with, even if I don’t necessarily agree with their methods. Some of their other stunts I find down right juvenile, “sea kittens” and “Georgeo Clooney flavored tofu”.
I’d call it near-fanaticism. Not extreme to the degree of, say, Earth Liberation Front, but extreme enough that most people find it hard to stomach or relate to.
Hi Noah! :) I think that whatever people’s opinions may be of PETA, it should not deter someone from getting to know a person. If anything, you’d think they’d want to ask questions and get informed from a proper source instead of hearsay if they needed some negative perceptions cleared up.
For example, I am a pro-choice advocate, and if I went on a blind date with someone who said they worked for a pro-life advocacy group, I wouldn’t scoff at them and totally cross them off my list because our opinions obviously differ. I’d be interested to know what was behind their passion and I’d be impressed that they felt strongly enough about something to dedicate their life to it. I think that fighting for a cause is a noble and beautiful thing. In the end, it’s always possible that core values behind social opinions can be so different it would never work, but I also don’t believe difference in social or political opinions to be a reason to nix someone right off the bat.
Thanks for your comment, and I do agree that some people can find it hard to relate to, but even though we’re all different, it’s important we all make an effort to understand and respect one another at the same time.
–Christine
yeah, I see what you’re saying and I do agree. Its just a much harder road to travel when you decide to dedicate yourself to something like PETA, an organization/cause that alot of people already have preconceptions of, based on biased information.
The information isn’t completely false, but just conveyed in such a fashion so people will likely form a negative/positive opinion.
“So where exactly do you work?” he crooned from across the table, swirling his glass of wine and leaning in. “PETA,” I replied.
You know, this is better than the “international non-profit” line that a lot of people at PETA use. Seriously, treat your dating partner like they’re an adult and don’t tip-toe around the issue.
Hey Victor! I agree that being up front is important. Especially since I’m proud of where I work and don’t feel like I have anything to hide. On a dating profile open to the public I might be more vague, but that’s just for safety reasons. Upon meeting someone, I think it’s good to be up front and honest.
It’s very hard to find a man who doesn’t want kids, as well. Anything a little outside “the norm” makes people freak out, and makes one realize just how conformist people are. Even though you’re basically looking for a needle in a haystack, don’t settle for anything less. After many years of searching, I finally found my match, and you will, too.
Hey Mimi, thanks so much for your supportive comment. I totally agree with you and am inspired by you, too. Thanks for the positive remark :)
i am married to a non veg, and he thinks that my ability to make veganism a priority in my life is an admirable trait. he loves that i am passionate about something and stick to my guns when it comes to my core values. although he still eats meat, over the course of the 6 years since i went veg he has stopped consuming them by species. he no longer eats cows or chickens. he mostly sticks to sea life and on the rare occation has pig. i dont sweat it because ANY effort he makes is a good one. one day youll find a great guy who will love you for exactly what you are, a beautiful girl with HUGE heart and the ability to feel the greatest amount of compassion for even the smallest of creatures.
Thanks so much, Angie, you are super sweet. Your example of your husband is perfect and exactly the kind of thing I’m talking about. And thank you for your encouraging words :) XOXO
Christine! When I met my hubby, his favorite restaurant was The Grate Steak (classy). I didn’t berate him, just let him ask questions when he wanted to and eventually, he grew to love me AND my values and started calling himself a vegan. Anyway, all that’s to say — have no fear…a good one who gets you is out there.
Thanks Sarah! That’s a great story, the world needs more open minded couples like you guys. I also really appreciate the encouragement :)
This is such a tough issue. I’m a vegetarian and my girlfriend (Hannah, co-editor) is very decidedly not. I respect her decision to eat meat, which is easier to do with her because she was a vegetarian for years, so she is not ignorant to where I’m coming from and why. At the same time, sometimes part of me feels like a sell-out. I’m an ethical vegetarian (animal rights). I know this will sound extreme to a non-veggie, but is dating a meat eater going against my value system? Just as importantly, am I missing out on some level of depth of connection because myself and my partner do not share what is such a primary value to me?
With all of that said–and those questions are sincere–the issue somehow never comes up between us. Which almost makes me a little sad.
All of this leads to: I say date whoever you see, want, and still want after you’ve had a conversation with them. The vegan man filter makes life too hard, and in the end it just doesn’t mean a lot in your day-to-day relationship.
(Plus… my last two girlfriends started as meat eaters and were vegetarians by the time I was done with them… you know how that goes.)
Jesse,
Michael Pollan makes a rather convincing, if prematurely halted, argument for vegetarianism in his excellent book The Omnivore’s Dilemma. It’s simply and lucidly written and is the only thing that’s come close to making me reconsider being an omnivore.
Hey Jesse, I think you hit the nail on the head in terms of the inner struggle that I discussed in the above article. It really can be quite a battle with yourself when asking these questions of your partner and self, but I agree with you in the sense that when it really comes down to it, you should be with who you want to be with, no strings attached. Thanks for sharing your story!
The right guy will just like you for who u are. When i was a vegetarian i dated this guy and actually made him brush his teeth before he kissed me after he ate a burger or whatever. haha sorry just thought that was funny..but honestly as a person who lives and breathes awful dating stories..just date for fun and for the hilarious stories(nightmares) that they turn out to be, and don’t put pressure on “finding the one”. there is no certainity on when that will happen. Anyways if a guy is freaked bc your an animal activists or WHATEVER you are…’scuze my bluntess but fuck ‘em..not worth ur time.
Thanks Celia! I think you’re right, and you have a great, fun attitude about the situation which I love (because the frustrations of dating can certainly leave some people jaded). I appreciate your vibes.
Hi Christine,
I came upon this blog through a friend’s myspace page and I think I might be able to provide a little insight to the other side (a.k.a. the meat-eater who is interested in the vegan)
Let me start off by saying that I am in the Air Force, I am meat-eater, and grew up in Alabama, where animal rights aren’t as in your face as they are in northern states. My girlfriend, who I have been with for over a year, works for PETA, is a vegan, and grew up with a completely background than me.
With that out of the way, maybe how Allie and I began our relationship will help you on your future endeavors with those who aren’t accustom to your life style.
Before I met my girlfriend, I really didn’t know much about vegans or PETA. I had heard a lot of negative stereotypes about both and to be honest I was little apprehensive when she told me right off the bat that she was Vegan and that she worked for PETA. I thought that everyone who was vegan or worked for PETA was crazy about their beliefs and would shove their opinion down your throat if you thought different than them. But after meeting Allie, I know now that this isn’t the case. I discovered after talking to her that she saw her choice of being a vegan akin to her religion. She wasn’t going to force it down your throat but would talk about if you asked. I knew from the start that it was something very important to her but it didn’t define her. She was a beautiful, intriguing woman who just happen to be vegan and who worked for PETA. This was the main thing that put me at ease and allowed me to get to know the most wonderful person I have ever met.
I think a lot of guys who run into women such as yourself will think of those negative stereotypes and will be afraid that you will automatically fly off the handle and try to preach about how terrible eating meat is and how he is evil for ever eating meat. No one wants to have someone judge them or to be around the person who thinks they are on a higher level because they don’t eat meat. I’m not saying to hide your beliefs but if you start off the date being condescending then that guy will most likely not call you back (not that you ARE doing that, just an FYI.)
You have every right to believe what you believe and you should expect that a person who is interested in dating you should at least respect your values even if they don’t agree with them. The thing that I suggest is that you allow the guy to see that being vegan and an employee of PETA are just “parts” of who you are and there is more to you. I think you would have a lot more luck with non-vegans.
I will say that it takes patience, understanding, and respect on both side to make a relationship work between vegans and non-vegans but is possible. The guy has to be able to at least be willing to learn more about your beliefs and the things that go with it.
Oh and even though I am not a vegan or vegetarian, I have cut a significant portion of meats and animal products out of my diet. Why you ask. Because Allie introduced me alternative option that taste amazing (She is also an amazing cook). So even if you meet a guy and he isn’t a vegetarian, if you make veggie food not seem so scary you might change his eating habits. Just don’t try to force it or he will think you are trying to change him and then resist.
I hope this helps and I wish you best of luck in your search. You never know who fate has in store for you.
Rob O.
Hi Rob! You and Allie’s relationship sounds really fantastic, I’m very happy for both of you, and I appreciate the insight you can bring from that side. And you’re right, you never know what fate has in store. I appreciate your thoughtful response.
I do believe that couples that have different beliefs can be happy together, but I think the reasons WHY either one believes something and how honest they are about their reasons that is the most important.
Hey Lizze, I think you are right. It’s not the fact that their beliefs are different, it’s really about the reasoning. You can have 2 people who believe in the exact same things but have completely different reasons for coming to those conclusions, and therefore, may not be compatible, and vice versa. Thanks for your comment!
wow!? it makes me wonder what kind of universe we live in where a beautiful, intelligent, single woman can’t find a guy because of her “different” lifestyle? i quite frankly find it sexy.
keep on trucking ms. dore
from,
Jon C.
a meat & cheese lover
washington, dc
Aw, thanks Jon :)
christine,
meh. advice for others only goes so far. here goes.
i think the fact that you are confident and secure while been honest and vocal puts you at a disadvantage in our supremely awesome understanding society.
considering i don’t have a psych degree and really have no clue who you are, i’ll go ahead and throw down here.
the fact that your beliefs are so strong and are a focal point in your life, that intimidates men. we want easy, now i have to think and read or something? we have to converse about topics not involving the nightly tv lineup!?!?! this is hard! why can’t we just watch nascar? you’re not wrong…we are dumb. complacent. not motivated. etc. you could say a product of our environment but i tend to call it weak sauce.
the fact that your beliefs are not of the mainstream, just adds more joules to the hot sauce. now the would be suitors are not just dealing with a woman, they are dealing with an ornery woman who won’t comply with societal norms. the very core of their foundation (or lack thereof) of life as they know it is being questioned. and most guys, like you noted in your experience, will flake hardcore in such situations.
i could give you a pep talk about staying strong and being you, but clearly you are and those lines are played out like polka dots anyways. i will say just don’t give up and hold you head high.
as for the random meeting – it can and does happen. a mentor once told me to walk confident, smile and look people in the eye. lame and played out, i know, but they really do wonders, at the very least in meeting people. as for meeting the right one…dude, your guess is as good as mine.
cheers,
albert
Hi Albert, you’ve certainly given me a lot to think about! I appreciate your honesty and it’s very interesting to hear from this perspective. Hmm … if you are right, it is unfortunate if some (or most) men compute that way. Hopefully I’ll find an exception, but isn’t that what everyone says? Sigh. Either way, I really appreciate your encouragement. Thanks for your comment!
Christine,
Although I am not a vegan nor involved in PETA, I do admire your conviction. As they say, “It is not important to be good, however good for what?”
As for the dating scene, I’ll be glad to share hilarious stories on that subject over a glass of wine.
I particularly like that you wrote: “But a major part of being vegan for me is about having a big heart overflowing with selfless loving energy. And while the bulk of that gets put toward my job and family, it can be nice sometimes to find a good home for the overspill.”
Cheers! Peter
Thank you for your encouragement and compliment, Peter. And I’m glad to know you also have some good stories. It’s nice to remember that I’m not in it alone. :)
I’m always so shocked that Norfolk (and the rest of the Seven Cities) isn’t much more vegan friendly, considering that PETA is headquartered here.
I know a lot of folks that work at PETA and I can honestly say MOST of them have been really awesome. There have been a couple girls that I went on a date or two with that kind of left a bad impression. This has never and will never deter me from dating anyone else that works there, but it did become an inside joke of sorts with my close friends. When I do meet another girl that works there, they always joke and say “RUN!”
I guess it is a really polarizing place/issue. I don’t know many people that are just OK with PETA; they either love it, or hate it. But that’s why I like/respect it and the people who work there – they’re passionate and committed to the cause. I think a lot of people out there just aren’t very open-minded. I met a girl from PETA a couple years ago. I asked her out for drinks and was rudely rejected because I wasn’t a level-5 vegan (only a lowly vegetarian). It just made me laugh. But, I’m the same way on my issues. Using your example, if I met a girl that was pro-life, I don’t think I could date her. I’ll listen to her reasons with an open mind, but I’m not in that “opposites attract” boat.
I agree with what Rob was saying. When I meet people and they find out that I’m simply vegetarian, they get defensive. They automatically think I’m going to try and convert them. So I can imagine that it is very difficult for you, especially with the IQ level of most of the guys around the area.
Being a full-time activist is a beautiful thing, in my opinion :)
Matt, you raise some interesting thoughts! It’s too bad all of your dating experiences with PETA women haven’t been positive, but it’s interesting how you say find it polarizing and yet you totally understand it because you feel the same way about issues that are important to you. I’ve always felt that my career and status as a dedicated vegan usually seem to make people think that it’s okay to tell me if they think I’m nuts or if they compeltely disagree with me. For example, I was in a spinning class the other day and was making small talk with someone before class. She asked what I did, I told her, and then she gasped and said, “Oh my God, so are you like, crazy?! Well, you should know that I don’t agree with you on everything. I eat meat and believe in using animals for experiments,” and I was like “Ok … nice to meet you, too.” I mean, how completely inappropriate is that? However, it happens all the time! People think they have the right to judge or assume that I am judging just from a simple get-to-know-you conversation and they go on the immediate defensive. Haha. People wouldn’t have that reaction if I said I worked for a children’s hunger organization, even though that also is a career that takes complete dedication to a cause. For some reason, animal rights specifically intimidates people, which is too bad because it really is such a compassionate, beautiful cause, that most people would totally be on par with if they opened themselves up to learn and challenged their traditions.
Anyway! Sorry for the tangent, but you got me thinking! I really appreciate that, Matt, and thank you very much for your thoughts and comment. :)
@Albert. You say:
“the fact that your beliefs are so strong and are a focal point in your life, that intimidates men. we want easy, now i have to think and read or something? we have to converse about topics not involving the nightly tv lineup!?!?! this is hard! why can’t we just watch nascar? you’re not wrong…we are dumb. complacent. not motivated. etc. you could say a product of our environment but i tend to call it weak sauce.”
Well, this is intersting insight, but some of us ladies enjoy the company of a partner who will converse about things other than the nightly T.V. lineup or NASCAR. I don’t think my husband and I have ever had a conversation about either of those topics (well, there was that one time that we brought half of the laundry home still damp from the laundry mat so we could catch the newest episode of Whale Wars).
My point being that many of us ‘non-stereotypical gals’ also have non-stereotypical partners who share common interests and appreicate our individuality–and were likely attracted to us because of it in the first place, not intimidated.
Right on, Mylie!
I’ve been coordinating a large vegetarian/vegan group for years in New York — there are lots of vegans out there, although I’ve noticed it’s rare that they marry each other. Usually their spouses are near-vegetarians who don’t get hung up on what’s for dinner, in fact seem glad that their spouse is taking them in a healthier direction than they’d go themselves.
Of course, that requires some flexibility on the part of the vegetarian — even if you don’t cook meat at home, the spouse who hasn’t given it up yet will still want to get their chicken take-out once in a while. Otherwise you’re pretty limited in who you can date.
Interesting point, Pam. Thanks for sharing your insight. And that is awesome that you’re coordinating that group in NY!
I enjoyed reading this. It reminded me of issues a person dating outside her religion might have. Obviously, veganism and Peta are an important part of your identity. I don’t know much about veganism, but I understand that for most people it’s not just a diet but a set of beliefs. Between the time you spend on your job and the time you spend preparing and eating food, you may spend 10 hours a day in activities directly tied to a belief system. That’s a fundamentalism many people would have trouble understanding. I am curious what you thought about some of the men you went out with? Perhaps you were trying to be kind and humble, but you did not say anything about them, instead choosing to say “they didn’t care for me/couldn’t relate to me/thought I was too different/too extreme/etc.” Some of the rejection (as you referred to it) must have been mutual. I’ve heard women complain a lot about the men in this area. I certainly wish you luck.
for some reason, this site is displaying an avatar of my wife.
you seem selfish. maybe if you focused on relating to your date than on yourself, you’d keep more of them. just a hunch.