I was startled awake by a blood-curdling sound. It took me a moment to realize that it was coming from my own throat.

I actually stopped and prayed, thanking God that it was only a dream… The holes in his body, the blood, the doctors that wouldn’t look me in the eye… It was all a dream.

I reached across my bed for the phone. Knowing he would be asleep, I was just hoping for my message to reach him. I just needed to know he was okay.

I waited two hours, until finally he texted me back. “I’m okay, I love u.”

Fear. Webster defines it as “an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger.” Most people define fear more specifically: snakes, darkness, isolation. For military spouses, fear often comes in images: Humvees, guns, burning buildings and cars…flag-draped coffins.

That coffin one gets me–quite simply because of the imminent risk that my loved one might come home in one. Even writing it makes my heart pound. Though we live so close to Arlington, I’ve never taken my children to see the magnificence of it. At this point in our lives, it’s not an attraction, it’s a destination. And it is our ultimate fear.

Recently, a little acronym has also taken up residence in the part of my brain that panics at the mere thought. PTSD. Posttraumatic Stress Disorder is my new biggest fear. I am more afraid of it than even the coffin. I am afraid that I will welcome home a man that looks, sounds, smells like my husband, yet is someone else entirely. What happens then? What if I get his body back and not his soul? How could I mourn the loss of someone that is right in front of me? How long do I wait, hoping for a recovery? What if there isn’t one? The thought is more terrifying than my most frightening nightmares.

As my anxiety continued to build, I went to the Department of Veterans Affairs’ website (www.va.gov) and searched for PTSD. I learned that 12% to 20% of Iraq war veterans have been diagnosed with PTSD. (Of course that doesn’t account for the undiagnosed cases.) Women are also twice as likely to suffer from PTSD after a traumatic event than men are.

Feeling awful I then went over to my trusty site, www.militaryonesource.com. It is like the Google of the military world, with information on virtually everything. I was sure it wouldn’t let me down. I needed answers, not statistics. How do we treat this? What is the successful recovery rate? Will seeking help hurt his career?

Militaryonesource led me to www.afterdeployment.org, where I read about cognitive-behavior therapy, medication, and counseling that has proven successful in PTSD patients. The site in fact allowed me to hear from real people–yes, in this electronic era, I was able to listen to testimonies from military members and their families about overcoming Posttraumatic Stress.

So with this I could sit back, breathe deep, and know that my husband is in good hands should our family be seized with this terrible circumstance, and that I’m prepared to take on whatever this crazy Navy life throws at me. I headed to the local bookstore to purchase Down Range: To Iraq and Back by Bridget Cantrell and Chuck Dean, but I couldn’t read it. Instead, I made a list of all the attributes that I love most about him. Things that make up his character and his soul. Then…

I sent him a message back. “I love u 2.”

MilitaryOneSource also has a great list of Combat Stress Resources for military members and their families. Included is the phone number for the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs Readjustment Counseling Services (1-800-905-4675), the web address for DoD DeploymentLINK (http://deploymentlink.osd.mil), and the National Institute of Mental Health (www.nimh.hih.gov), among the many other resources.

Amy Boudreaux writes about life as a military wife. She can be reached at aboudreaux@rocketmail.com.