Dear Advice A Toi,

I am not sure if this is a real issue, or if a lot of other people deal with this like I do. I am in a relationship with a girl who was raised in a traditional Muslim household. I myself was raised in a Christian household. Anyway, to get to the point, we are going on three years now (on and off). I have met all her friends and basically all of the family–I have stayed with her brother- and sister-in-law for a week in NY, met their kids and all that. But the issue is I haven’t met her parents yet. In my experience when you date a girl, after a certain period of time you meet them, right? But in this case I don’t know when I will. It doesn’t bother me so much, but I’m just curious if I am the only one in this kind of situation. If not, how do you guys cope with the “Quiet, I am going to call my parents” or the “I’m telling my parents I am visiting a friend, but I will be at your house doing whatever.” It just kinda sucks that I am adding to a lie. And I also wonder if it will alter their perception of me when I actually do meet them.

Thank you for your help,

Undercover Lover

Dear Undercover Lover,

Well, for starters, it sounds like you’re conflicted about how this affects you and how you feel about it. You say “it doesn’t bother [you] so much,” but clearly you do want to eventually meet this girl’s parents and you acknowledge that it “kinda sucks [you're] adding to a lie.” Which it does. Waiting that long to meet your girl’s folks sucks. Having to be quiet while she talks to them on the phone sucks, and sneaking around behind their backs while they think their sweet, innocent daughter is studying with a friend also sucks. So I think you should go ahead and admit that to yourself first and foremost.

Because she means something to you. I mean, clearly you’re at least a little bit serious about your girlfriend. You’ve been together for three years. And you can see a future with her. You wouldn’t have spent a week with her siblings and nieces and nephews if you didn’t. And you wouldn’t be writing to us if you didn’t. So it should in fact bother you that in the world of her parents, you don’t exist.

The reason I think it’s important to acknowledge this is because you should be telling this girl, Look, I want to be a part of your life, and I don’t know how I feel about being a part of the lie that you’re telling your parents. I want to eventually meet them, and we’re not setting that meeting up to be successful by doing this.

And I’ll put this out there right now, if and when you do actually meet them and they don’t yet know about you–yes, the fact that you have been your girlfriend’s secret lover this whole time will alter their perception of you. They are going to associate you with their daughter’s lies. I’m guessing she’s not allowed to be dating non-Muslim boys, if she’s allowed to be dating at all.

Which is where I have to commiserate with your girlfriend for a second, and give you some insight as to where she’s coming from. I was raised in a traditional Filipino family, devout Catholic, and strictly forbidden from dating until a certain age. My parents, after a long while, became less strict than I’m assuming your girlfriend’s Muslim parents are. They came to terms with the fact that I was going to date Westerners and more specifically, gasp!, white boys. But being a girl and reasoning with religious, over-protective parents is as difficult as it gets when it comes to growing pains. I have a Muslim friend–a guy–whose parents told him “he broke their hearts” when he introduced them to the girl he felt was the love of his life. So you will have to be really, really patient with her. And understand her reluctance.

And both of you will have to be really patient with her parents. They’re not going to come around easy. But you sound like a good guy who really loves her and is committed to her. They want her to be happy and so do you, and eventually they’ll see all that.

If you love her, it will be worth it. And if she loves you, somehow finding a way to break it to them will be worth it, too.

Good luck, you two. If it works out, your star-cross’d love will have overcome some very emotional and tough bounds,

Hannah

Hey UL,

First of all, I’d like to applaud the patience and self-confidence you’ve shown in waiting three years to meet your girlfriend’s parents. If it were me, by now I would have been desperate with worry, like, What’s wrong with me that she doesn’t want to introduce me to her parents? I would have gotten a new wardrobe, a nose job, and probably a circumcision, just to be sure. You’ve got a lot of confidence in not only yourself but in your girl’s love for you, and that leads me to believe this is likely a relationship worth being careful with.

That said, you know you’re sitting on a ticking time bomb, right? Any parents–be they Muslim, Christian, Weight Watchers or candy strippers–would be either furious or at least distraught upon learning that their daughter has been living a lie for three years. The breaking of trust is one of the greatest sins a family member can commit. And if she’s Bonnie, my friend, that makes you Clyde.

So now the question is, how are we going to get you out of this mess? I know this involves love and family and religion, but you need to view this as a game. The worst thing you can do is sort of leave this to the elements, allowing her parents to find you out whenever they happen to catch you necking in the bushes. Instead, control the board. Know the strengths and weaknesses of each piece. Does the mother emotionally control the father? Consider getting her on your side first. Has her dad made it clear he will only approve a Muslim son-in-law? Before you break the news go to Muslim services for a few weeks. Know a little bit about the Quran. Is this a faith you can see incorporating into your daily routines? If so, that’s your big selling point.

You need to be careful with her brothers and sisters. On one hand, they could give you credibility to the parents, a sort of pre-approval. On the other hand, that they knew about you before the parents could make the lie seem even bigger. That could be the difference between the parents (especially the father) feeling like a fool or a man who has, he can tell himself, looked the other way for the love of his daughter.

One very important last thing to remember: she is their daughter and they are going to (eventually) love her no matter what. You they don’t have to love. And they probably won’t at first, after all this scamping around. That said, your girlfriend is going to have to throw herself under the bus a little bit here. She needs to emphasize her lies and your ignorance. She needs to make it clear to her parents that you’ve wanted to meet them from the start, but she said no. She needs to explain that, until now, you didn’t force this because you love her and you wanted to respect her relationship between her, her parents, and to some extent, her God.

May Jesus, Mohammad, Buddha, and the ghost of Elvis be with you,

–Jesse