Good morning, all, and hope this finds you well.

I’m pressed for time today as I prepare for my trip to the socialist country where I’ll be spending the month of May. You see, I’ve been advocating progressive taxation policies in this space so long that AltDaily is sending me on one of its prestigious research fellowships, which will let me learn firsthand the efficacy of my ideas. So my next report to you will come from the South of France, and it will be thousands of words long to make up for the half-baked nature of this one.

Alligators coming for Cuccinelli?

I'm going to eat Virginia.

If the irony here weren’t so rich, I’d simply point out that “Alligators coming for Cuccinelli” is my kind of headline, and move on. But the reason the alligators are coming for the global-warming denialist? Global warming is pushing them north through the Carolinas. This week they’re only five miles south of the Virginia border. Before long they stand a chance of advancing on Richmond, at which point Cuccinelli should meet Dr. Michael Mann at Appomattox and offer his unconditional surrender.

Virginia AG’s office hires wrongly convicted man

Having said that “Alligators coming for Cuccinelli” is my kind of headline, I must praise our state attorney general’s office for “hir[ing] a man who served nearly three decades in prison for at least one rape he didn’t commit.” DNA evidence cleared Thomas E. Haynesworth in that case in 2009, and Cuccinelli supports Haynesworth’s bid for exoneration from two other crimes he was convicted of in 1984.

If Cuccinelli’s office ever decides to focus even a fraction of its resources to releasing innocent people from our prisons, maybe he and I can call a truce. But that would require Cuccinelli to go through a fundamental change. Yes, he sides with Haynesworth, but otherwise he happily presides over a “law-and-order” government whose cruel anti-parole policies create a permanent underclass out of anyone ever convicted of a serious crime.

It would require a longer piece to do this subject justice, but it always bears repeating that prisoners in Virginia are raped and brutalized daily, which means a prison sentence can also mean a sentence of HIV, hepatitis-C, and lifelong emotional trauma. That’s appalling enough in the case of the prisoners who committed crimes, let alone the many who are innocent. As Thomas Jefferson famously said (and I may be approximating), “Better one hundred guilty men go free than one innocent man be condemned.” Those words were neither exaggerated nor disingenuous, and Jefferson would be aghast to see how our justice system functions.

‘Angel of death row’ fought for condemned

Marie Deans, who died in a Charlottesville hospice this month at 70, did “years of work” to help exonerate Earl Washington, Jr., a man who spent nearly two decades in a Virginia prison and on death row for a rape and murder he didn’t commit.

McDonnell heading to ‘Meet the Press’ Sunday

The governor will discuss the royal wedding, Virginia’s deplorable parole laws, and the advancing alligator army.

How to follow the royal wedding online

Too late: in our time zone the wedding was over before sunrise.

Hampton Roads celebrates royal wedding with area events

I take it back: events are scheduled “throughout the day.” Whew.

A more militarized CIA for a more militarized America

If you’re feeling too cheerful about Will & Kate’s wedding or whatever else, read this.

Busch Gardens “World’s Most Beautiful Amusement Park”

The competition was ferocious.

Santorum: I’m pretty sure Planned Parenthood practices eugenics

Former Sen. Rick “Man-on-dog” Santorum shows how alliteration works.

Trump calls US leaders ‘stupid people’

But as of this morning he has yet to produce his own IQ certificate.

Senate breaks redistricting stalemate

I haven’t followed the whole redistricting story… do you think it’s important?

Ezra Klein’s Wonkbook: The story driving 2012

Ezra Klein’s daily “Wonkbook” newsletter in the Washington Post is sort of like If You Read the Paper, but longer, smarter, and delivered at 5:30 AM daily to your inbox complete with HTML graphics. When AltDaily becomes a publicly traded multi-billion-dollar company like the Washington Post Company, I’ll add HTML graphics myself.

I’ve never linked to Wonkbook before because I don’t want you abandoning me for Klein, who’s younger and cuter and gets invited on Rachel Maddow. But Klein has never seen fit to write about Hampton Roads. This morning he provides a dozen reasons why we should be scared by the faltering economy, then links to a Weezer video. I point out the Weezer video in the hope that he won’t seem cute after all.

National Poetry Month draws to a close

Tomorrow is the last day of National Poetry Month. In case you’re fresh out of ways to celebrate, I’ll link again to this helpful suggestion page. Watch a poetry movie! Integrate poetry with technology! Actually you can do both those things at the same time, which will free up time in your schedule to attend Art Everywhere’s opening night tomorrow. I’m sad to miss it; I’ll be on the plane, frantically scanning through the in-flight movie schedule for a film about poetry.