Being single is no picnic, but when computers start telling you to date your sister things get surreal.

I’ll admit that I’m not the easiest person to find a match for. I don’t drink or smoke, but I’m not religious. I bake but I’m straight. I’m 29 but I think like a 60 year old. I take naps and I’m not ashamed to admit it. These are qualities that confound computer matching algorithms and, so it would seem, every woman I’ve ever known.

One quiet night, just before falling asleep to dream about Lawrence Welk, I decided to check in with the OKCupid.com app on my phone one more time. Just in case someone had messaged me. Which they never do because apparently women on dating websites have banded together to adopt the ancient tradition of forcing men to approach them. That, or no one thinks I’m pretty. I choose to believe the former.

As I pulled up my activity screen expecting to see the usual assortment of people who live too far away and/or have facial tattoos, I was greeted by my 23 year old sister’s goofy grin staring back at me. Stunned, it took a minute for me to realize what was happening. OKCupid had culled it’s entire database of more than 3.5 million active users and decided my sister was the one for me. Not the sexy blonde med student, or the exotic foreign woman who is probably a large, hairy man in a basement. Oh no. Apparently people not spawned by my mother just don’t feel the same way about politics, civic duties and social scenarios as my sister and I do, and so we are meant to be together.

Before I begin to explain how this has forever traumatized me, I feel the need for a disclaimer. My sister is a fine, upstanding young woman. She would be a catch if you weren’t related to her. She’s a little young for me, but let’s not get into those trivial details. We can focus on the fact that she’s my sister and move on from there.

OKCupid.com thinks my sister and I are a 74% match.

How could this have happened? Well OKCupid doesn’t ask your name or if you may be related to anyone on the site, so it has no way of knowing if it’s connecting you to your sister, uncle, etc. It simply asks you generic questions and matches you up with people who answered similarly. Based on those answers it assigns you a match score with everyone on the site. 74% is pretty high.

After seeing my sister’s profile appear on my phone I had to make a tough decision. Should I view it? If I do, does it mean I secretly long for her? Will she see that I viewed it and call our mom before I have a chance to explain? Will OKCupid send out letters to everyone we know telling them what I’ve done? These questions and the general feeling that taking this any further would result in an inability to attend future family functions prevented me from viewing her profile.

Of course I went from feeling slightly ill to finding this quite amusing, and immediately posted it on my Facebook profile. It is the most popular post I’ve ever made. People immediately began liking and commenting – acts rarely seen on my Facebook wall. What did the sister in question think of all this? She made fun of my profile, which is exactly what I would have done had I the stomach to look at hers.

She likes naps, too. Maybe we are right for each other after all.