Good morning, all, and welcome to what may be my final If You Read the Paper.

Presidential Prayer Team sends their regards.

It’s been a pleasure living in the same city as you. Years from now, when HBO producers turn to the Hampton Roads diaspora for consultants and writers for their serial drama on Irene-era Norfolk, I hope you and I will be colleagues. In the meantime there is a run on milk, the Second Fleet is out to sea, and the Presidential Prayer Team is praying “that God might use the winds and rains to draw people to Himself.” That last part scares me. I always thought that when God “draw[s] people to Himself,” they go to heaven.

Yesterday I had links ready about racist immigration law in the Deep South and the secret war in 120 countries, but AltDaily isn’t a safe place to be now. If you read this column, you’ll risk thinking Irene is a joke. Evacuate from this column immediately. I myself predicted Irene months ago, and planned a research trip to the desert this weekend. I’m in a West Texas border town called Terlingua, where some of my novel takes place. It’s in the category-21 flood zone.

Crews to build giant sand pyramid

To guard against Irene, Virginia Beach officials are building a giant sand pyramid. I’m not making this up. As one of the officials explained to me, “When the king dies, all the stuff he’ll need in the afterlife can go in the pyramid.” Okay, I made that part up, although I do theorize that there’s a real reason for the pyramid.

The aliens who built the pyramids will return in 2012

Virginia Beach officials say there’s nothing to this story.

Virginia Beach officials eye Tide ridership numbers

Virginia Beach officials know the Tide makes their pyramid look like a boondoggle.

Storm surge map.

Surfing to go on this weekend as Surfing Championship events ruined

I would encourage you not to go surfing.

Storm surge maps

The future is already written on these maps, which reveal that Irene damaged Hampton Roads tomorrow despite the pyramid.

Sandbridge evacuated Thursday

Sandbridge was too lazy to build a pyramid.

America’s best (and worst) cities for dating

Someone has rated Norfolk #7 for dating in a top ten that includes Austin, Seattle, and Honolulu. When Irene turns Norfolk into an enormous lazy-river-themed speed-dating course, our rating will rise even further. What makes dating in Norfolk great? The Tide, for one; that’s why “Virginia Beach officials” envy it. I’ve already had several dates on the Tide. It’s convenient: when things go badly, I just hop off and get on another train going the opposite way.

Prof. Mann vindicated by Nat’l Science Foundation–is Cuccinelli paying attention?

I mention Cuccinelli amid this disaster only so you’ll know hackers haven’t stolen my identity.

Safeguarding your animals in an emergency

No joke here: click the link for PETA’s tips about safeguarding your animals. Some important points: “Storm shelters for humans may refuse animals, so check with hotels, relatives, and friends to see if you and your animals can stay there.” “Never leave animals behind in an evacuation. You may not be able to return home for weeks, leaving animals to die lingering, painful deaths.” “Place signs in your windows and on your front door indicating how many and what kinds of animals are inside in case you are ever away from home when a disaster strikes.”

That’s all. Now please get off the internet and go someplace safe.