These Things We Believe

by Alfredo Torres and David Paul Kleinman

After moving to this area five years ago from Chicago, I was told that, as a Liberal, I believed in a lot of crazy and stupid things.  In fact, for the first three years I was here, no matter where I was or what the nature of the conversation, I was told “You Liberals want to take away all my freedoms. Enjoy your latte, sir.” I never had anything to say. What can you say when you’re told you believe in things you don’t believe in?

Healthcare Reform Protesters | Photo by Infrogmation

Then a few moons ago while on the Facebook, I noticed a friend blaming President Obama for the oil spill, so I posted this: “Obama is to blame for pain, pestilence, famine, disease, incontinence, halitosis, bacterial meningitis, the Holocaust, Eve eating the fruit, Steve Bartman, the success of Nickelback, and boredom.” A few hours later, looking at the post after dinner, I had a flashback:

I was sitting in a coffee shop in Chicago called the Bourgeois Pig. A half-eaten ham and brie sandwich, a mug of coffee, and a few pages of Chomskyan sentence diagrams sat on the table in front of me. Just as I was thinking, English looks like Algebra, a girl with a sternum tattoo busted in the place and proclaimed, “That’s it!  I’m moving to Canada!”

She stomped about and began to rant and rave about the Bush Administration banning abortion-linked aid. She screamed “Bush is the Messiah, and He will bring His people the glory they so justly deserve!”  Just as I was thinking, if she wasn’t pretty she’d be dead by now, she finished by exhaling “I hear Toronto is nice” before collapsing at a table full of slimy hipsters.

One of my mentors in Chicago, Larry Heinemann, once told me Liberals and Conservatives could only agree on three things: “The weather. Feet to the mile.  And Newton’s Third Law.” Any visit to Facebook can affirm this, but lately it has occurred to me it is totally unnecessary. It also occurred to me the only way we can rise above all this malarkey is to say “I am wrong, and so are the Democrats and the Republicans.”

In this spirit, I contacted Alfredo Torres and asked him to create a list of 50 things we could agree on. While we have retained ownership of our contributions, I agree with everything on his list, and he agrees with everything on mine. Generally speaking, Torres is a Conservative, and while I’m sure I will continue to carry the Liberal label, truth is I haven’t read a word of Marx or any of Chomsky’s political crap. My philosophical forefathers are Douglas Adams, Thomas Pynchon, Philip K. Dick, Franz Kafka, Charles Bukowski, and Walt Whitman.

-DPK

***

Statue of Ghandi | Photo by Vitor Oliveir

I, Alfredo Torres, love the ideas of Karl Marx. Read him in college and really took a shining to the ideas. There was only one problem: he does not take into account human nature. You see, as long as some people can have more than others, and have the ability to take more than the collective, they will take more. Think I’m lying?  Imagine LeBron James, or better yet, Ben Roethlisberger, giving up his plush lifestyle for an equal share of The Collective. It’s just not possible.

A lot of you guys know me from my stint on 96X. Some might know me for my time writing for 24Sevencities and AltDaily. But what many of you do not know is that I was a Liberal. That’s right, my friends. I was a tree-hugger. I cut my teeth interning for the Environmental Planning Lobby in upstate New York, and had another gig working for a Democrat State Senator from the Bronx. I was part of the multicultural club or whatever we called it 20 years ago. I’m sure it was some politically correct term. Along with my BA in Political Science, I also earned a certificate in Peace Studies. That’s right, kids, Peace Studies. This was done by taking some classes that emphasized peace. I can guarantee I saw Gandhi more times in three and a half years than all of you . . . combined.

So you see my friends, I have played for both teams (giggity), and we are not as different as you might like to think we are. ‘Cuz here is the truth: regardless of whether you are a Democrat or a Republican, a Liberal or a Conservative, we are all humans. If we do not stop this constant fighting and come to some sort of middle ground, we are all gonna die. Bottom line baby, and I’m pretty sure we do not want to die. Hmmmmmmmmm, reason 51: We do not want to die. . . Gotta check with David about that. . .

This is not about who is right and who is wrong. This is about how we are the same, and we believe we are more alike than different.

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Kleinman

1.      You cannot legislate morality, nor can you legislate charity.

2.      Liberals would have more success if they adhered to a strict humanist philosophy.

3.      Conservatives would have more success if they stuck to a strict libertarian philosophy.

4.      Ayn Rand and Kurt Vonnegut, not Karl Marx and Milton Friedman.

5.      If Republicans dropped the anti-gay thing and Democrats dropped the anti-gun thing, we would have a smaller, more efficient federal government.

6.      Neither party is more patriotic or more compassionate than the other.

7.      If the Founding Fathers could have predicted the brutal force of ideology, if they had understood how much power the political parties would eventually wield, the Constitution would be very different.

8.      If the Libertarians would learn how to play the game, then we would have a viable third party in the United States.

9.      The political entertainment machine is running and ruining American discourse.

10.     The desperate need to find someone to blame impedes American discourse.

Torres

1.      If everyone took care of their families, the world would take care of itself.

2.      Equal work for equal pay, as long as you don’t change the requirements to make the job easier.  The requirements are there for a reason.

3.      People make mistakes and shouldn’t be overly punished for them; however repeat offenders need to be.

4.      The prisons are overcrowded with people who really don’t need to be there.

5.      I respect your lifestyle, you respect my religion. Neither has to be flaunted in the other’s faces.

6.      We need to be charitable, just let me pick the charity.

7.      Racism exists on both sides, and we all need to get over it.

8.      Education is the gateway to a better life.

9.      Things that are done out of shock are dumb and have the reverse effect of what was desired.

10.   Fathers are an important part of the family and need to be respected.

Kleinman

11.  The false dilemma of American politics is counterproductive: very few people are either Republican or Democrat.  This stifles free thinking and oversimplifies debate.

12.  The mind should never be “set.” Ideology is intellectual suicide.

13.  Yelling at those with whom you disagree will not persuade them.

14.  The political extremes of American politics are exactly the same. The binary continuum is really an orb.

15.  If more parents understand it is their responsibility, not the state’s, to educate their children, then more people would understand sentences like “The binary continuum is really an orb.”

16.  Marijuana and prostitution should be legal and taxed.

17.  Communication should not be regulated.

18.  If we had truly free markets, large corporations would not exist.

19.  If everyone was responsible, Welfare would not exist.

20.  Douglas Adams had it right: the Ruler of the Universe should NOT desire power.

21.  “Don’t panic” should be our motto.

22.  The American electorate has a short-term memory.

23.  If the American electorate knew more about logic and logical fallacies, then Keith Olbermann and Rush Limbaugh would not be broadcasting.

24.  For true progress to occur, our obsession with celebrity must end.

25.  We live in a great country, and only we can make it better.

Torres

11.  There is no need for personal attacks when discussing our views.

12.  The fringe elements of our respective views do not define our respective ideologies.

13.  While we do not agree with everything that our country has done, there is no doubt that the United States has been the most generous and caring nation to have ever existed.

14.  Both Rush Limbaugh and Keith Olbermann have made valid points at times, but neither of them should speak for our respective sides.

15.  The United States should welcome aliens into this country with open arms, and we should make the process easier.

16.  There is nothing wrong with people making money through hard work.

17.  We need to lose our dependence on outside sources for our energy.

18.   There are nations that are out there that would do us harm if allowed.

19.   The government should not interfere in our personal lives.

20.   Both of our respective views are often misunderstood.

21.   We need to help the farmer and the small business owner.

22.   Freedom of speech is being threatened and that needs to stop.

23.   The federal government should help us, not make us dependent on it.

24.  The young and the old need to be respected and taken care of.

25.  Until we recognize that we have more in common than we think, we are never going to fix what is wrong with this country.