The Myth of the Masculine Gay Man
Words Joval Martin
Friday, November 6th, 2009 at 11:26 am
Everyone has a picture in their head of what a gay man is: a slender, attractive man with more than his fair share of fashion sense.
This image of a gay man is almost always charismatic and usually melodramatic. He has the magical ability to make women feel good and look good, and his effect on straight men seems to be just the opposite. We place this fictional gay man in creative careers, where he gets to express his flamboyant nature to his heart’s content.
We also imagine him to be weak. Physically he is unable to lift heavy objects or defend himself. Emotionally, he’s wrought with self-esteem issues about his body or his relationship with his family. Morally, the gay man in our mind is often promiscuous and constantly battling some addiction.
Wasn't it Homer Simpson who said, "I like my beer cold, and my gays flaming?" Photo | john@pleindetoiles.com
This caricature, like most stereotypes, is based on our limited experiences. Until recently, the only men that dared to come out of the closet were, and had always been, so obviously effeminate that to try to hide their sexuality would have been ridiculous. But this prejudiced characterization of gay men as effeminate and weak speaks not only about what we do or do not know about gay men, but also it highlights our collective devaluation of women, or at least the discomfort men have with the idea that, deep down, men and women are actually very much alike.
The reason that homosexual men who don’t fall into the common “girly-man” stereotype do not come out is because of an intense fear of being excommunicated from their social group. Suddenly, once ‘out,’ they are no longer a man. They aren’t a girl, either, or the subcategory of womanhood where we like to put our gay men.
The typically masculine gay man has no category. He has no home. For him to come out of the closet is to take off a mask that no one knew was there. This kind of personal/sexual revelation makes people uncomfortable because they are forced to ask, Who else?
To admit that gay men can be manly men–and not some effeminate subspecies–makes all men ask themselves, Could it be me next?
Modern society has evolved to such a hyper-socialized, hyper-labeling place. We find safety in the blacks and whites of life. The gray areas–the natural domain of the masculine gay men–scares us. And it’s just this oppressive influence, this gravitational pull to the edges–that does make it so difficult for a person to come out, especially if the person is popular. Imagine what kind of ridicule the high school quarterback would suffer if everyone knew that he was gay. What would he do if all of his friends ostracized him? It’s not like he can be expected to go hang out with the fairies in the drama club. And it’s not as if they’d want him anyway.
The fear of being turned out of our comforting, validating social groups is more than terrifying. Humans not only want interaction, they need it. We are pack animals. And being pack animals we instinctively shy away from anything that will make our pack turn its back on us. So for people whose pack isn’t fond of gay, they find it very difficult to confess the true nature of themselves, lest they be shunned.
Not gay enough to be out? (Photo: Pedro Robredo)
Even if it is 2009, and we’re all equal, and blah blah blah, the fact still remains that the biggest offense that a man can make is to be like a woman. For most of human history women have been treated unfairly; that goes without saying. Females are viewed, even today, as being weak, feckless, and emotional to the point of irrationality. These undesirable traits are present in men as well, but we attempt to train them out of boys. When a girl is actually weak, feckless, or ridiculously emotional, she is excused by reason of her sex. This devaluation of women is often used in the way boys are reprimanded for not showing the honorable qualities that we associate with men. If a boy is whiny, he is told to “Stop crying like a little girl.” If a boy is scared he’s told to “Face his fears like a man,” implying that only men are fearless. It is the unattractive characteristics that we have associated with women which we loathe seeing in a man.
In truth unattractive characteristic are loathsome in anyone. Being gay doesn’t mean that a man is not brave, handy, or rational. Gay men, like women, can be and generally are all of these things. If being gay means being a woman, and being a woman means having not virtue or valor, then why would any man want to come out of the closet? And who could blame them?
Being gay is hard enough for men and women who fit the typical homosexual stereotype that society is comfortable with. We face ridicule and hatred most of our lives. For those of us who don’t or can’t hide who we are, the world can be a very limited and painful place. Being called a fag hurts, but yet somehow it may be the flaming queers that are the lucky ones. Having never had the choice of whether or not I was going to come out, I dealt with reality as it was handed to me. I was able to make friends that validated my person even if they didn’t validate my sexuality. I found strength in myself. My sympathies lie with those gay people who have to make a choice about letting the world see who they truly are. Bound by the forces of an evolutionary need to be liked and welcomed and a history of sexism about which they are probably clueless, these people are trapped into living a life of lies. Coming out, for those whose lives are firmly planted in a culture of quarterbacks and prom queens, means nothing less than the end of the world as they know it.
And it is much easier to acquiesce to the inequality of the world that you live in than it is to chuck it all away.
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ABOUT THE WRITER
Hampton Roads Native Joval Martin, studied Art History and Urban Planning at Virginia Commonwealth University. Before that he sang with the Virginia Opera Association and studied classical voice at the Governor's School for the Arts, a visual and performing arts high school serving the Greater Hampton Roads Region. After two years in Washington, DC at the Smithsonian Institution, Joval has returned to Tidewater to attempt to make a difference in his local LGBT community.
Other posts by Joval Martin.
Other posts by Joval Martin.
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Thank you! I have always deplored stereotypes of any kind and have challenged those with views tending to relegate people with one or more similar characteristics to a group of people usually described in a negative aspect. Ninety percent of my closest friends are gay or transgendered, the majority of those friends are in close, loving, relationships, some lasting ten years or more. We’ve frequently discussed the way society tends to view gays as weak, effeminate and morally bankrupt, lesbians as “women trying to be like men” or transgenders as mentally deficient, confused individuals looking for attention. I have never understood why it’s so difficult for most people to see others as unique individuals. But you’re right. We’ve become a society that tries to label and place each other in our own preconceived boxes. As a woman, I’m happy to see you touch on another bothersome issue of women being labeled as secondary, lesser creatures. My “favorite” put down is having the husband or partner of a strong woman be called Mrs. by his peers in order to make him appear weak. It’s a tactic I’ve seen used when discussing differing political views. It’s always riled me up. Thanks again for your caring, insightful views.
Mr. Martin opens with a gross generalization, and never lets up. Perhaps you should go back to singing… or DC.
Very brave, Anonymous.
Dear Joval,
Although I agree with some of the points you make, you are indeed making huge generalizations, especially given in the 21st century…
As a man who -luckily- grew up in a very evolved and supportive family I did not have any stereotypical pressures -in fact being the oldest of five boys I wouldn’t let them get away with anything…but also,later I had to “come out” to my gays friends as a homo who likes sports -and actually knows who “is on first”or a quarterback-, not an “opera queen” nor in the least interested in Barbra or Liza…
I all comes down to being who you are and people will always respect you for that. So,flaming gays have a place at our tables, yes; but sorry show me the photo of a man like the one above -pleindetoiles.com- I’ve lost my erection…
Perhaps “The Myth of the Masculine Gay Man” is not a myth nor an oxymoron, ask our brothers (and sisters) in the military where, do I dare to remind everyone? they get to be “all you can be”….
Be a man girl!
;-)
interesting points. courageous writing. however you seem to infer that a guy can’t be gay, masculine and have straight male friends that are totally OK with it and indifferent about it. or even supportive. “out,” in a way, is kind of a myth; nobody goes around saying, “hi, I’m steven, and I’m gay.” especially for a masculine guy – it doesn’t always come up, as it shouldn’t.
and yeah, reading it again…sweeping generalizations. you’d be surprised how open and accepting people can be if you give them the opportunity. ran into a college buddy last weekend. haven’t seen each other in 20, 25 years, easy. he goes, “i always wondered, are you gay? i never could tell but I heard and…” I simply said, “yeah.” mind you, I’m bigger and stronger; I’d make quick work of him in a fight. he goes, “cool!” and we had a great night. i overlooked him asking me over and over to help him redo his apartment lol, but the point is that it wasn’t as big a deal as these overwrought scenarios you kind of have invented in your head…
I think you guys are being too hard on this piece.
Whenever you talk about things like gender roles, it’s impossible not to rely on generalizations to some degree. It’s kind of a choice: you either talk about big issues and risk generalizing, or you don’t talk about them at all. I’m glad Joval decided to dive into this complicated, (it appears) dangerous pool.
Whether or not you (Jojo and Lennie) agree with everything Joval wrote, you have to agree that different types of gay men hold very different places in our society. And that’s something worth analyzing and talking about.
Jesse,
I think you’re not being hard enough on this piece. I think it’s a weak, poorly edited piece of florid writing based on a questionable, dated notion of what “gay” is; or at least what “gay” apparently should be so that certain people can figure out what categorical box to put us in.
When 3 out of (by my count) 3 gay people responding to the post think they’re being grossly generalized, perhaps you should consider that we’re the gay ones, and we might know what we’re talking about.
I’m a little concerned that a supposedly broad-minded, progressive website is so eager to traffic in dated stereotypes.
Is that brave enough for you?
David,
I’m not sure where you’re coming from with this. To be so insulting/non-constructive as to call my work weak and poor is odd and hurtful, given that we know each other in real life. I don’t understand why you would set that kind of tone.
And I don’t get this ‘certain people’ line either. You know full well that there remains a gay stereotype, and Joval described it aptly in my opinion. He doesn’t support that stereotype, he just states it as the starter to his conversation. As a society we have to confront stereotypes before breaking them down. To ignore them is to let them breathe and grow. You get that.
And why would you question our broad-mindedness and progressiveness by saying ‘supposedly’? You think we’re narrow and conservative? Really? Again, you know Hannah and I. To question us in this way strikes me as disingenuous at best, spiteful, slanderous, and vindictive of imagined crimes at worst. Even if this piece missed the mark for you–they’re not all going to hit the mark, and I accept that–I think you know what our goals are with AltDaily. It’s just confusing to me that you would take things to this extent. Even if you disagree with one article, I would think you’d be a champion of ours, not someone who tears us down and all but paints us as social conservatives.
And as far as your ‘brave’ potshot, you know better. If someone is going to take such a personal shot at our writer to suggest that he know longer write and that he leave the area, yeah, they should have the balls to sign their name. It’s trollish, small, and cowardly, and you know it. You said some messed up stuff in your comment, but at least you had the nerve to say it to Joval’s and my Internet faces.
I’m not sure why it listed my last comment as anonymous. It was me, Jesse.
Well I think Joval Martin hit it on the head. Took the words right out of my mouth. I remember a few years ago when I was in a Sydney gay pub and got into a discussion with a guy about gay oppression. I had brought it up in the context of a job that I was going for in central Australia. He ridiculed my observation that it would be hard to be gay in Alice Springs. He was perhaps a more “feminine” type of guy than I am. His attitude was “for god’s sake get real and come out..deal with it..get over it…!” I finally said to him ..where do you work mate? He was a hairdresser. Where do you live? He lived in Sydney and in the gay quarter. The exchange somehow epitomised for me the issue we’re talking about here. I am a teacher. I have struck homophobia at every turn and continue to even now. I am the shell of who I really could be..My life amounts to don’t ask, don’t tell. I have a few work mates with whom i exchange warm but superficial conversation and a joke every now and then, but they don’t ask and I don’t tell. So I am basically a hermit.
Think Joval makes lots of great points without being too general. Things may be different, I hope, for younger people, but for those of us at a certain age (40 plus) coming out did mean either encountering a tell but I don’t want to know anything about it mentality or moving on in life to form new friendships and relationships
This article is so true. “The end of the world as I know it.” I have children in a conservative religious school; a business in small town America; a wife who is extremely devoted; a routine in life that is mapped until the day I pass from this world. To come out would end what I know and the fear of the unknown and the certainty of hurting others is so prominent. It is good to read someone who understands.
Tom, as sad as it is to say, you’re probably right. especially if you and your wife adhere to a conservative life style.
It used to be common that gay men married and sired children to prove their virility and then had affairs in the after hours, but, for most, those days are long gone. I so hope you raise your children and sent them to a school and church that teaches them to be inclusive in regards to race and gender preference and so on. If not, then you’re paying tuition to raise another generation of haters, and how can they love the man you truly are, if they don’t understand?
Best of luck to you.