Mayor Holley, featured in Esquire in January 2007.

Last week Mayor James Holley was fined $2500 by the Portsmouth City Council for tasking his secretary, Lorraine Stokes, a city employee, with an endless number of personal chores. Among the 44 items on the list of Holley’s demands, which Stokes brought to the council in complaint were:

3. Cancel the Mayor’s Playboy Subscription.

4. Placed internet order for his tummy support t-shirts and paid using personal credit card. Print out confirmations.

9. Called almost every TJ. Maxx in VA looking for size medium Wooden Shoe Trees.

19. Schedule Hair & nail appts with Ms. Erma at Camelot Beauty Salon or Foxy Nails.

23. Placed orders for model cars, trains, followed up on the orders then returned items that did not meet Mayor’s approval.

42. Internet research on a breed of dogs.

Holley maintains that he has done nothing wrong, and in result has drawn criticism from councilmembers and angry constituents. In addition to the fine, Stokes has been reassigned and the mayor’s administrative and secretarial work now will be handled by the city clerk’s office.

Coincidentally, just as Mayor Holley has lost his privilege of a secretary, we are looking to hire one ourselves. Of course we’d like to avoid any confusion as to the job description, so we want to be up-front about everything now. These are some of the highest-priority tasks that we would expect our secretary to do on a routine basis:

• Greet us every day with a cockney “Top o’ the mornin’ guvnas!”
• Plus have triple-foam, scalding-hot cappuccinos waiting on our desks.
• Color-coordinate Hannah’s lip glosses with her various barrettes and ribbons, and create surprising combinations of boxers and socks for Jesse.
• Place orders for Jesse’s tummy support t-shirts. Print out confirmations.
• Cancel our subscriptions to YouPorn, Sextr.tumblr.com, Chagrin, RedTube and www.clownpenis.fart.
• Re-subscribe us to sextr.tumblr.com and Chagrin when we change our minds.
• Internet searches for limited edition Mr. Peanut memorabilia.
• Re-enact our favorite scenes from Tootsie, starring the inimitable Dustin Hoffman.
• One hour spent daily trolling Match.com for individuals described as “extremely fit” and who list as their best attribute “chest.”
• Read us a fable.
• Find clips of kittens getting high on catnip.
• Develop a video-montage of the best locally-made three-pointers from high school basketball games in 1996, and title it Simply the Best.
• Record the time codes in Prefontaine at which it looked like Pre was going to quit but found the strength to push through.
• Archive all of Jesse’s and Hannah’s old bylines and write three genuine compliments for each article.

To apply for the position, please contact us at icanbeyourbitch@24sevencities.com. Candidates with less than four years of administrative experience need not apply.