Mira Dearest,

I have two questions:

1. I want to make my girlfriend happy. Could you tell me how to do that?
2. Should people in committed relationships keep in touch with people they once considered soul mates? Is that playing with fire, no matter what, or can a strong relationship handle that?

Sincerely,

Luke Perry

Dear Luke Perry,

Before I begin, I have to get this out of the way: I am in love with you. I know you’re in love with Jennie Garth or Shannon What’s-her-Bitch, but I can assure you that I am the darling for you. I see beyond your Napoleonic complex, your grubby, poser grunge rocker wardrobe and even that weird hair (I still don’t understand how you get it into the shape of a box). I’m real and I mean it: Ditch your crazy anorexic, manic, shoplifting gal pals and let’s run away together into the Malibu sunset.

Oprah supports your best intentions.

K. All better. On to business, Luke P, let’s crack this nut for reals.

I think it’s a sweet intention you’ve got over there-trying to make your woman happy. However, while it’s nice of you, it’s downright batty of you to think you’ve got that kind of power over anyone else. The rules simply don’t work that way. None of us, try as we may, are capable of truly making another person happy. Annoying and cliche as it may be, happiness, at the end of the day, really does have to come from within. Your babylove is going to have to rock that jam on her own.

That said, there are some ways that I believe you can be supportive to her along her way, and be part of creating a kind of mutual happiness in your relationship that will, in turn, make both of you happier. Basically, you may not be able to make her happy, but you can become a really awesome boyfriend and: Awesome boyfriend = Happy girlfriend. Get it? Good!

The first thing you can do is respect her. Even when she’s being a ninny, even when she’s being a bitch, especially when she’s feeling simple or low or like a loser. Notice her when she is feeling proud. Acknowledge her for her efforts. Take her seriously and prize her opinions, even if they seem pretty flipping stupid, petty or trite. She, like you, like me, like everyone, wants to feel supported and validated and you, being her man, are going to need to make sure to do that as often as you can.

The second thing you can do is share or, in other words, learn to communicate. Men and women, while we may fit like a glove in many ways, do not, in my experience, always speak the same language. It’s no easy feet for a woman to learn to speak Man, and I am fairly certain that learning to speak Woman sucks the big one, too. That said, it’s a pre-req for happiness in a relationship and, if you’re really going to master this awesome boyfriend crap, you’re going to have to suck it up and learn to bridge the communicative gaps. So, open up. Open up everything-your ears as well as your mouth. Learn to listen and pay attention. Ask her what might make her happy. Be willing to share with her your own feelings on the same subject. As Oprah as all of this sounds, LP, it’s important and legit. Awesome boyfriends are not made of bullshit sandwiches on lazy Saturday afternoons. Get real and open up your freaking awesome heart.

I bet this guy is really, really awesome.

Finally, commit yourself to discovering your own happiness. I suspect you may need this newsflash based on your question, but she, in turn, is never going to be able to make you happy either. The best thing you can do for her, for yourself and for your relationship is to go out and explore your life, become conscious, love yourself and seek until you find the kind of internal peace that isn’t perfect, but is just right for just you. (Oprah, Oprah 911!) Stop focusing on what someone else needs to be happy, and look into the mirror. What floats your boat, Big P? What inspires you and what do you want to create in your life? Once you’ve started answering these kinds of questions for yourself, it’ll be a whole hell of a lot easier to support your gal pal in doing the same thing.

I assure you, you will both be better for believing in your shared abilities as individuals to care for yourselves and for one another. Even better, it’s liberating to know that you can love and be loved from a place of wholeness. That’s the good life shit, man! That’s the stuff of awesome boyfriends (and happy girlfriends!).

Regarding your second question, this is a pickle of a ditty, but I’ve got a theory or two, in mind:

Let’s begin by defining the word “soul-mate” in this situation, since this word is highly loaded and means different things to different people. In your case and in this instance, I’m going to assume that the word soul-mate refers to an intimate, impactful love relationship with potential for a life-long commitment.

With that in mind, it gets tricky right away. Two people in an intimate, committed relationship are–if they’re sane–going to anchor their relationship in trust. They’re going to go on ahead and create shared boundaries around their partnership. They’re going to know that “It’s just you and me,” really does mean: It’s. Just. You. And. Me. (Underline that and put it in bold.) In my opinion, there’s no way in hell that “It’s just you and me and your old girlfriend Sally” is going to fly (but crazier things have happened). A couple equals two people. Picking up what I’m putting down, Charlie?

I would hedge on the side of caution and be protective of the relationship you’re in right now. Your flings with your ghosts from relationships past are over, and until you and your current flame are done and over (and do you want that for crying out loud?), then I’d start by leaving the past in the past and cut the communicative cords.

Dude, you are fine.

Some people might not take issue with involving old flames in the mix and to be fair — I actually do know couples like this. The best way to handle the situation is to sit down and talk clearly and openly with your other half. Decide, together, what the boundaries need to look like in your partnership in order to safeguard trust. Being a grown up in a mature relationship means letting go, a lot of the time. Creating healthy intimacy is a complex, delicate process and it isn’t unreasonable or unusual for one or both of you to experience insecurity or fear regarding your past passionate peoples. Love and relationships can be totally scary. I say start by looking out for one another first.

Keep your heart open and keep asking good questions, as you are. I promise that the more you ask, the more you explore and the closer you get to creating an intimate relationship that is specific to both your lady love and you, the more you will find the happiness you are both certainly deserving of.

Besties Luke. And if it doesn’t work out, I mean it: Call. Me.

Make it happen,

Mira Dearest