Life used to be epic.

At least that’s what I have been led to believe. Back in the day you could go on religious quests, or use various woodland fairies to explain your life away. No one knows for sure what ruined all the fun. I suspect we got to smart for our own good. No matter the cause I think we ought to be proactive about making life more adventurous again.

In order to do my part I have decided to start treating Hampton Roads like the Legend of Zelda. Each article I cover will result in some kind of attribute increase or decrease in the Hampton Roads mission. Once we fill our hearts with power we can go ahead and challenge another region, but for now lets focus on building up our stats.

Philadelphia Eagles are downright inspiring

I have no idea if the Eagles are a good team. I am not a sports fan. Sports are simply not my cup of tea, but the Eagles decision to make their stadium capable of generating its own electricity is enough to make me watch. I envision a future of me sitting around with the boys while they shout at the screen and I gaze dreamily at the 80 20-foot tall wind turbines, and 2,500 solar panels. Jay pounding beers on a lazy Fall Sunday afternoon in the name of green energy.

Sports bring people together, they encourage excellence, and they are a massively popular way to spend leisure time. Unfortunately, too often athletes are in the press for their off the field antics and the teams themselves are the epitome of frivolity as payrolls soar into the hundreds of millions. That is why this announcement means so much to me. Green energy, its practicality, and viability are still a mystery to so many people in our country reluctant to move towards what they perceive as less efficient means of fulfilling our energy needs. The attention that a national football stadium will help bring to this technology is an immeasurable good, and massive step towards furthering our country’s dialogue on environmental stewardship.

Big thumbs up to the Eagles. I know you are not in Hampton Roads, but this is such good news I am going to claim it anyway…. +8 points to Courage. Please mark that in your dungeon manual for Hampton Roads.

Philip Bay belongs in a treatment facility. Period.

Insanity cases captivate us. The idea that the supremely rational human being can act without agency is beyond the scope of comprehension for most of us. Also, we as a people loathe all things that reek of determinism, and close to the top of that list for many is the bulk of “mental illnesses.” (Poverty is number one on the list of things we refuse to believe could predetermine one’s life.) Unless a person is drawing on the walls with their poop and roaring for the return of the Lizard King, society is hard pressed to relieve a person of responsibility for their actions.

For my money, if you read what Philip Bay said, what he planned on doing, and why he wanted to do it you have to believe he belongs in treatment. Allow me to take this one step further because it’s Thursday and the lack of empathy in our world threatens to strangle us…. If you believe that this boy deserves long term general population incarceration you should consider speaking to a therapist yourself. This trial is not about guilt or innocence; it is about nothing more than how we as a society choose to deal with our undesirables, and should he end up in jail we will have failed him and ourselves.

At the risk of sounding like a Scientologist, psychology is at best an imperfect discipline, and at worst it is a bludgeoning tool used to coerce socially correct behavior. We often times forget that psychology is a social science and therefore is not bound by objective information per se. Mental illness is nothing more than the measure in which one deviates from the pervasive cultural norm of the day.

That being said, there is no question as to whether this child suffered from a mental illness, so what is the trial about? Culpability.

Is he culpable? Was he insane? How we came to believe that there is some kind of magical zero barrier around Crazyville, beyond which we are not responsible for our actions, is hard to account for. First, if anything is clear from a psychological perspective it’s that a person’s mindset is near impossible to pinpoint. Our mental state is a moving target, and the very act of trying to discover it causes it to change. Second–and this might be a tough thing to admit to yourself–but no person is ever completely out of control or in control. Our tenuous grip on sanity is more like a sliding continuum in which a whole host of factors come to bear on our mental state (Free will is an illusion. There I said it). The day after I have not slept you can easily get me to cry hysterically. This episode of Futurama will also elicit an equally uncontrollable response from my tear ducts. Human beings are always all over the place, and the sheer randomness of when someone slips over the line into anti-social behavior is what makes people so terrified of it. However, there is the ‘common sense’ standard and that tells us that Phillip Bay unquestionably needed help.

The problem here is that this is even at trial. He admitted to the crimes he is charged with, so the matter under discussion, the matter that a jury of his peers is now tasked with deciding, is whether or not he was insane, not whether or not he is guilty. How much more subjective a determination could we ask a jury to make, and why is it always the job of the state to show someone is responsible for their actions? Would it be so bad if a prosecutor said, “We think this is a really troubled teen and they should be in therapy.”

Our cultural definition of justice should be an ongoing opportunity for us to expand our empathy for our fellow man. Why, when faced with the choice of offering rehabilitation and relief to an obviously disturbed teen, would we ever opt for jail time? What justice is there in that? I am asking in all seriousness. Someone please explain to me the social good, or good for Philip Bay, or anyone for that matter that is served in putting that young man behind bars. No one here is arguing he walk free, but rather whether we throw him to the discard pile, or exhibit that often illusive trait by which our species got its name: humanity.

Should Philip Bay go to jail we will lose -9 Justice points. Should he get treatment we will find a whole heart container and a larger shield.

Please House of Delegates let me live my Dream of gambling on a river while dressed as Mark Twain

Dear State Government,

If you could see it in your heart to allow Norfolk to have riverboat gambling I promise I will never ask for anything again. I also give you my word to withhold all criticism of everything you do from this point forward.

You see my whole life I have wanted to be Mark Twain. Not the part of him that was always writing and stuff, but the part of him that wore great suits on riverboats and made witty quips about everyone’s wife. I want to be that Mark Twain and only you can make it happen.

Please find it in your hearts to grant my wish.

XOXO-

Jay

P.S. +5 bold points to the city of Norfolk for giving it a go.

Southeastern Parkway and Greenbelt DOA

The federal highway administration has killed the planned highway linking Virginia Beach and Chesapeake, citing environmental concerns. In particular, construction of the highway would eat up 170 acres of wetlands.

This is mixed news for me. I applaud the Federal Government for holding firm and rejecting the proposal despite the intense pressures from both Chesapeake and Virginia Beach. Yet, it is a huge disappointment to see, that despite numerous environmental objections and roadblocks, both city governments have tried to push this project through. The Pilot quotes Mayor Sessoms only response as being, “This is not good.” I agree, Mayor Sessoms, and I can only hope you will come to appreciate the amazing resource that is our region’s wetlands as more than an area prime for paving.

-4 character points and we do not find the great sword (because it is in the Great Dismal Swamp).

Vice Mayor Anthony Burfoot and Norfolk School Superintendent Richard Bentley speaking tonight

This forum is open to the public. The meeting will take place at 7pm at Norview Middle School.

+5 transparency in government and +2 civic engagement. Also if you attend and can answer the Vice Mayor’s riddle you will get the big key and your boomerang.

Grand Illumination Parade to include a bunch of these Jokers from Altdaily

This Saturday night will be the Grand Illumination Parade, and our own Jesse Scaccia, BC Wilson, and Wes Cheney will be floating it up down Granby street. I encourage you to go out and enjoy this awesome event and to please openly mock and deride the three above mentioned men. They have been working really hard to get the float together and if we don’t shout insults at them they will never know we care. I hope to see everyone out there for the festivities.

If you attend and I sign your left arm you get +4 civic engagement points and a heart piece. Also I will tell you where to find the hookshot.