Police not laughing at April Fools joke

The radio station Z104 told listeners yesterday that 50 Cent would be recording a video at Mount Trashmore later in the day. Announcer Nick (no surname; I guess maybe he gave it away to the 87th caller) said, “I have been in radio for 10 years and I’ve always wanted to do this prank, and all the planets aligned for us to do it.”

Nick has been dreaming this poignant dream since several years before 50 Cent rose to fame. Why did he wait so long to chase it down? It appears he was only biding his time until Web 2.0 had penetrated all levels of society: the announcement wasn’t made just on the air but also via Twitter and Facebook. Virginia Beach soon followed with its own Twitter announcement: “Hi folks! 50 Cent will NOT be @ Mt. Trashmore this evening. The supposed video shoot was an April Fool’s Day prank by a local radio station.” Do people really subscribe to the City of Virginia Beach’s Twitter feed? Is it someone’s job to scour local media in a constant and vigilant attempt to keep citizens from becoming misinformed? Does that person read AltDaily? Let’s find out. Tonight on the Oceanfront Justin Bieber will play a Good Friday concert that will debut all the songs on his new concept album about Hampton Roads. Al Gore will lead a sunset nature walk at First Landing. And at midnight Madonna will emcee a drag show at the In-Between. The Aquarium will host actors John Cusack and Rob Corddry at 5 pm for a free lecture on “The Ecology of Hot Tubs.” If the Virginia Beach Truth Commission doesn’t dispel these rumors forthwith in 140 characters or less, their failure to do so will prove a deep-seated bias against alternative media.

Dredged material facility reopens to recreational visitors

The Craney Island Dredged Material Management Area, which I’m not convinced isn’t made of toxic waste, will be open “for bird-watching, crabbing, and fishing from the shoreline from 7 am to 3 pm Fridays beginning this week.” It has been closed at least since my arrival in Hampton Roads in 2008, but today marks the beginning of a transition toward eventually keeping it open every weekday, at least in summer. The CIDMMA shoreline isn’t exactly Waikiki Beach, but any additional shoreline access is welcome to this Norfolkian, who finds it absurd how little public waterfront exists in a city bounded on three sides by water.

But is one who lives in Norfolk a Norfolkian? I looked Norfolkian up on Urban Dictionary to make sure, and I found this definition: “A man who is really really good looking, named after famous Salisbury University Alumni David Norfolk.” The entry provides an example conversation: “Girl 1: Wow that guy is hot! Girl 2: That guy is not hot; he is damn Norfolkian!” So I apologize if my reference to myself as a Norfolkian strikes anyone as vain.

Beck guest host Doc Thompson: Tanning salon tax makes health care reform a ‘racist law.’

This is only semi-local; Doc Thompson’s radio show broadcasts from Richmond, a city Thompson never fails to tout proudly as “the capital of the Confederacy.” It seems the passage of the Affordable Care Act has forced Thompson into the ranks of Americans who “feel the pain of racism.” Thompson, who is white, used his guest-hosting gig to decry the new 10-percent federal tax on indoor-tanning salons as a “racist law” that has been “dropped at my front door and the front door of all lighter-skinned Americans.”

It can feel like shooting fish in a barrel to shred the illogic of comment-posters to the Virginian-Pilot’s website, but no Pilot comment has ever been as farcically nonsensical as Thompson’s attempt to evince genuine perplexity here. “Why would the President of the United Stats of America,” he asks in the tone of Chief Seattle imploring to know how can you buy or sell the sky, “a man who says he understands racism, a man who has been confronted with racism—why would he sign such a racist law? Why would he agree to do that?” Is Thompson too daft to perceive the answer, which is that our president’s childhood in Honolulu and Jakarta left him with a deep-seated resentment of the white people in those cities who were always rampantly flaunting their artificial tans?

Hysteria marks Pope’s critics

Catholic League President Bill Donohue released this statement Wednesday in which he writes, “It is a sad day when al-Qaeda suspects are afforded more rights than priests.” For me to offer some perspective by describing what usually happens to al-Qaeda suspects would be a real downer on this Good Friday, so let me instead describe what’s likely to happen to a Catholic priest who rapes dozens of children. First the priest is arrested, blindfolded, hogtied, sedated, and thrown onto a private jet, having been read no Miranda rights. When he wakes up, he finds himself in a foreign country, perhaps Syria, where for the next several years he can expect to be imprisoned underground in a cold, windowless cell and tortured regularly until he’s been driven insane. At no time during these years will he be allowed to contact anyone outside the prison. He’ll remain permanently shackled, which will cause his muscles to atrophy. The upside is that he’ll find it relatively easy to maintain his vow of celibacy, unless of course rape is part of the torture performed. One wonders why anyone would ever consider entering the priesthood.

Pirates pick wrong ship to mess with in the Indian Ocean

Last night at midnight near the Seychelles, the Norfolk-based guided missile frigate Nicholas was attacked by either some very brave or very stupid pirates, whose ship now lies at the bottom of the Indian Ocean. The Nicholas “carries six Mark 46 torpedoes as well as a 3-inch gun capable of firing 80 rounds per minute”; the pirates relied on “small-arms fire.” The comments are full of disdainful worry that the ACLU, Code Pink, and Greenpeace will band together to prosecute the approximately 200 sailors on the Nicholas. I guess I agree it will be a sad day when al-Qaeda suspects are afforded more rights than pirates, but I somehow doubt the need for the commenters’ fear.

Poll: 62% OK with gay Super Bowl QB

This isn’t local news, per se, but I’ve done my penance by writing about Craney Island and Mt. Trashmore. A poll conducted by 60 Minutes and Vanity Fair shows that 62 percent of Americans would be “OK with” a gay Super Bowl quarterback, whereas only 50 percent would feel similarly about a gay president. The roles of Supreme Court justice and Secretary of State fall in between these extremes, with 55 percent and 56 percent support. (Of course we’ve had gay presidents and Supreme Court justices and Secretaries of State and maybe even Super Bowl quarterbacks, but that seems beside the point.) This raises interesting questions. Who are the 12 percent of Americans who support gay quarterbacks but not gay presidents? Would the 38 percent who aren’t OK with gay quarterbacks refuse to watch the Super Bowl or just cheer for the other team? What about gay players with roles of only minor importance? Gay waterboys? Why is “commissioner of baseball” also in this poll? Would 32 percent of Americans really be up in arms about a gay baseball commissioner? If Bud Selig came out of the closet today, would there be national trauma over the matter? Finally, what’s with the picture of the shirtless guy? Does “gay quarterback” translate to mean “hot, buff, shirtless quarterback?” If the story were only about gay presidents, would they show a politician with no shirt?

How do you feel about the health care bill?

Speaking of polls, Old Dominion’s student paper, The Mace and Crown, asks here how readers feel about the health care bill, a question for which they provide three possible answers: “I think it’s great,” “I think it’s terrible,” “I don’t know much about it.” I’m not trying to pick on the Mace & Crown—they are to be commended for having gotten their web site running—but if I clicked on any of these three answers I would be lying.

Weather: Another sunny, warm day ahead

Back when it was snowing every day, the Pilot was receiving two thousand comments per weather article. I looked forward in that season to learning what sort of petty arguments would be inspired by pleasant weather, but alas, there’s not one comment here. Does someone want to stage a fight with me about how the city government is dealing with today’s weather?

Candidates agree on one objective: trim government

Last night at the Wyndham there was a debate by the “Hampton Roads Tea Party.” At first I felt sick to learn that I’d missed an event that sounds like such fun, but then I reread the story and decided it was just an extended metaphor. The Pilot was only trying to convey that some folks got together and watched Alice in Wonderland; no one would really start a major political party and call it the Tea Party. Reporters should be more straightforward.

Easter egg hunts in Hampton Roads

Here’s a list of 21 Easter egg hunts to be held locally. A mere two mention prizes; of those, only one promises that their prize will be “a special prize.” This hunt, at Great Bridge Center, 212 Holt Drive, Chesapeake, 4 pm, therefore receives AltDaily’s hearty endorsement. See you there.