I’m in San Francisco today, where it is foggy and cool, and I’m irrationally expecting an earthquake at any minute.

So the Virginian Pilot didn’t arrive on my doorstep for me to read at 5:30am, as it usually does. Instead I woke up at 10am Norfolk time and wandered out to drink Peet’s coffee and look at wealthy hippies. One thing you notice: there are a lot of beards here.

These guys are all beard-proud.

I’ll get to the stories from the Pilot (which I did read online, eventually), but first, since I’m so far away, I’ll tell the story of How the Republicans Saved My Beard.

As anyone who’s seen me in the last six months knows, I have a beard. I love it and I’m rather proud of it. An observant BC-watcher, however, may have noticed that as time passed it has gotten sparser and patchier, not thicker, as one might expect. This is because I have developed the bad habit of pulling the hairs out of it, one by one, while I sit at my desk at work worrying about how to build software.

I have tried various exercises of raw willpower in the attempt to stop myself from deforesting my face. I tell myself to stop. I tell myself that I will cut it out. I have the best intentions. It doesn’t work. I routinely pull anywhere from ten to fifty hairs out of my beard every day. Eventually, it gets to the point where the poor thing is so obviously mauled that I have to shave it off and wait a few months for the follicles to recover, before starting a new beard and beginning the cycle again.

And then, last week, I went to the dentist. Actually, I took my daughter to the dentist. And while I was there I read a sappy little Berenstain Bears book. Little Sister bear starts first grade and develops a habit of biting her nails, chewing them down to painful stumps. She tries everything to stop, from covering her fingers in tape, to bribing herself.

The Wilsons of Norfolk.

Eventually a distraught Momma Bear calls Granny Bear for advice. “Give her a few dimes each morning,” says Granny, “and take one away each time she bites a nail.” I pretended to my daughter that the story applied to her, as she has developed a habit of picking at the skin of her top lip, sometimes drawing blood. But as I was reading, I felt a thrill go through me. I had the solution to my own problem.

Just putting some dimes in my pocket and taking one away each time I picked out a hair didn’t seem to be high stakes enough. Even if I gave the money to charity or something, there still was no real consequence to losing the money. I brooded over this on the drive home, and when I walked in the door with my daughter I looked into the parlor and saw that day’s Virginian Pilot sitting on my coffee table. It was open to a page that featured a picture of Sarah Palin mugging at the camera.

The second part of my solution snapped into place. I would donate a dollar to the Republican National Committee every time I picked out a hair. The idea of Palin running the country makes the blood freeze in my veins. When I pick my beard, I make that future just a little more possible.

Since I hit upon this solution a week ago, I have collected two dollars in a little red cup that I have labeled RNC FUND. My fingers still play over the coarse hairs on my chin, but whenever they fasten on a particular hair and start to tug, I think to myself, “Don’t feed the Republicans.” And it works.

This story is not meant to influence anyone politically, nor could it. I just thought it was interesting that political polarization could have some unexpected positive effects. I urge you to try something similar, no matter what party revolts you. Use this method to quit smoking, overeating, or gambling. Let it help you get unstuck from the mire of everyday life. Let partisanship and rancor lift you up and fix what’s wrong with you. We seem to be stuck with it (me as much as anyone else) so we might as well make it useful.

Now, on to the news.

Operation Frowny Face Train Wreck

What a mess.

Soaring U.S. debt needs fix now, senators say

Mark Warner for President.

STOP Hands out Bonuses for Failure

Ass. Holes.

Navy Getting Serious About New Tolerance Policy

‘Bout time.

Chrysler revives its modern and contemporary art post

There are 2,300 works of art in the museum collection that date from 1945 or later. Amy Brandt will curate them all.

See you all next week!