Sometimes reading the comments on The Pilot’s stories can feel like reading a transcript of a Stephen Colbert interview.

"I'm furious and I'm coming to get you, people of Norfolk!" growled this horrible dog.

I was checking out a blurb about what sounds like a wonderful event this weekend. Norfolk’s Rec Department and the City of Norfolk Animal Care Center are opening up a city pool to dogs Saturday afternoon. It costs $10 a dog ($5 for the second dog), and all proceeds go to the Friends of the Norfolk Animal Care Center.

Dogs playing in the pool. Money towards a good cause. What’s the problem here?

Apparently, to some Pilot readers, a lot.

“STUPID…. and just normal for Norfolk city council!” commented someone called Prairiedog.

Someone calling himself Santa wrote, “This has got to be the most ridiculous idea that any local government has ever come up with for a parks and recreation activity.”

But it was ‘Ivy22′ who took the cause to the next level, demanding government intervention.

“This is absolutely stupid and yes,” Ivy22 wrote, I imagine breathlessly. “the health dept should intervene.”

By the time I was done reading the comments I was a little bit terrified myself. Dogs in the pool?!? I mean, wasn’t that one of the ancient plagues?

After swaddling myself in my childhood blankie I worked up the courage to call the City of Norfolk Animal Care Center, co-sponsors of the event.

“The pool is officially closed down to the public,” explained Jamie O’Grady, the shelter’s admin secretary. “But before they clean it for the winter they’re going to let dogs play in it.”

Oh Jesus Christ thank you. But wait, just how well are they going to clean it? Because I remember when I was a kid–and I’m sure Ivy22 remembers doing this too–but I used to run the toothbrush across my teeth once and call them clean. And that kind of pool cleaning, my friend, is the kind of haphazard nonsense that leads to dog germs turning us all into zombies.

“The water is going to be drained and filled in next season,” promised Stacy Adams, the PR head for the rec department. “And dog germs are often times a lot cleaner than human germs.”

I was running out of nonsensical things to be terrified about. I stared at the sky until I willed my eyes to see cracks, and then–ahah!–what if the dogs started drowning?

“There will be lifeguards on duty, and they are also prepared to save dogs,” Stacy assured me. “There is pet CPR. (The dogs) are mammals, just like us, so they’re able to be revived in the same way.”

Wait a second here. Is the City of Norfolk saying there’s no difference between humans and dogs? What’s next? Are dogs going to be able to get married? Because I will not stand for that.

In all seriousness, it sounds like this event is going to be a blast. Register online, or just show up at at the Norfolk Fitness & Wellness Center, Sat., Sept. 19, 1 to 4 p.m. There are a few little rules you should be aware of, so make sure to check out the website first.

The city shelter is a fantastic cause, by the way. They find homes for some 20 to 30 dogs and cats a week, bless their hearts. They also look after dogs awaiting court dates.

Hold on… dogs awaiting court dates!?!?

“The dogs aren’t awaiting court dates. Their owners are,” Jamie from the shelter promised. “The dogs won’t have to testify.”