Hello,

I’ve been dating the same girl for three weeks now, and we’re off to a great start. All we do is hang out at my place, drink wine, and watch Friday Night Lights. She spends the night 3-4 times a week, but we just had intercourse for the first time this morning. Afterwards, as we’re lying there and I’m thinking about my fantasy football team, she says, “I love morning sex”; which to me is code for, “I’ve had sex with many, many men.”

I’m 30 now and looking for a serious relationship. I’ve dated my share of ummmm, liberal, women in the past and am really in the mood to settle down with someone I can trust. Is it wrong of me to assume that this new girl is untrustworthy because she loves morning sex? Should someone my age be concerned if the girl they’re dating has been around the block a few times? Maybe I’m applying an unfair double standard. Thanks for the help.

-Vinny Vulnerable

Dear Vinny Vulnerable,

I’ll answer this bluntly. Yes, it is wrong of you to assume that this girl is untrustworthy because she loves morning sex. Maybe, gasp!, she just loves morning sex, and isn’t afraid to say so. Maybe she loved having sex with you, and expressed it in the wrong way. If you like this girl, DO NOT CONSIDER HER A SLUT BECAUSE OF ONE DUMB SENTENCE.

Yes, you should be concerned if she’s been around the block, particularly if you’re looking for something serious, and definitely if you’re the kind of guy who feels like “I love morning sex” automatically means “I’ve had sex with many, many men.” Honestly, if your mind jumps to that conclusion, you’re clearly the kind of guy who prefers to be with a girl whose background check shows a number (the number) under, oh, five. And that’s fine. You want what you want, and you should go after what you want.

But you bring up something really important. It is an unfair double standard that you’re applying. You admitted that you’ve dated your share of liberal women. Which, if I were to apply your logic, is code for “You’ve had sex with many, many women.” As an intelligent, modern man who actually wants to find someone and be happy, you might have to ask yourself, “What would it really matter to me if her number was three times what I’d wish it was?” If she’s amazing in every other way, are you going to write her off for that?

Moreover, you’re 30. When you get to that age, you can’t expect the girls in your dating pool to be particularly chaste.

Obviously I personally think this standard that guys have for girls to be innocent and untouched when they themselves are “players” who have put it in dozens of drunk chicks throughout their 20s is ludicrous.

But that said, I do have to admit the sexiest thing about a woman (or anyone), especially in those first awesome weeks of dating, is mystery. And it sounds like she kind of clumsily punctured that allure with an ill-worded statement. And maybe you’re not a man-slut, and you’d prefer your girl’s past to be a little closer to your own. That’s understandable. So my simple advice is this:

Don’t write her off. Chalk it up as an odd, but possibly meaningless statement. And get to know her. Find out if she’s who you want to be with, judging from several intimate conversations, some of which actually delve a bit more into the subject of sexual history.

Otherwise you might miss out on something really great, and that would be a shame.

-Hannah

Vinny V,

Vinny, don't let her tell you that!

The first time I ever had sex in the morning I knew that I liked morning sex. So it’s jumping the gun–and isn’t very logical–to assume more of her sexual past than she’s told you based on just that one statement. In other words, it’s not just whores that like morning sex, yah dummy.

But I hear you. I feel you. I’m one with you. I think it’s fairly natural to jump to negative conclusions when you hear about a girlfriend’s sexual past, even if it’s just a minor detail. Why is this? Because we’re guys. We know how guys think and we know what we’ve done. And we know what we were thinking while we did those unmentionable sexual things in our past, and the last thing we want is for there to be many men out there having thought those same thoughts about the girl we’re falling in love with.

Let me regroup for a second. Okay.

First of all, let’s trust your heart. If you’re spending this much time with a girl I’m sure she’s a decent, ethical, never-been-on-the-receiving-end-of-a-sex-train kind of girl.The problem is, Vinny V, I trust your heart more than I trust your head. And I don’t think your head can handle one more anal feather worth of information about her past.