Hampton Roads: Where Everyone Dies
Words Jesse Scaccia
Friday, August 28th, 2009 at 11:31 am
I was enjoying a delicious chickette sandwich at my precious Yorgo’s, flipping through The Pilot, when I came to a shocking realization: we are all about to be murdered.

This guy is lucky... at least he's already dead.
Or at least 50% of us. A full half of the stories on Page Two of The Pilot’s local section are about people killing other people in our fair seven cities. Given that everyone already knows that murders occur on a regular basis, I can only guess that The Pilot is devoting this much space to murder news because I’m next. Well, if not me, then you.
I’m guessing you, to be honest. You’ve gotten doughy in your old age. And you just have that killable face. Oooohhh I just want to stab it so hard!
Page 2 did offer some good news, for area teens, at least. A local woman was accused of having sexual relations with a 17-year-old. I bet post-orgasm this fella thought to himself, “Ah, I just had sex with an older woman, I can die happy now.”
Don’t say it too loud, kid! They’ll getcha!
Not one to be outdone, let us here at AltDaily suggest that you get your will in order. Make a “totally somber yet utterly inspiring” iTunes playlist for your wake. Be nice to your dog, or else it will eat your rotting corpse.
Because you are probably going to get murdered soon.
I’ll look for the news on Page 2.

ABOUT THE WRITER
Jesse is the editor in chief of AltDaily, and he's going to take this bio seriously, but not so seriously that he's going to continue in the third person. I've been involved with a bunch of local projects and civic groups in various roles, including: Hampton Roads, The Canvas; Art | Everywhere, Street Performance in Norfolk; Survive Norfolk; Hampton Roads Pride/Out in the Park; Bike Norfolk; re:Vision Norfolk, and such.
I originally came to Norfolk as a Perry Morgan fellow in ODU's creative writing program. Before that I bummed around quite a bit, writing stacks of books that never got published, hitchhiking, couchsurfing, riding the Greyhound up down and back across this country. Some of my favorite jobs and volunteer gigs have included working on organic farms in Ireland; being first mate on an old sail boat in Holland; working at a long-term home for young men in South Africa; being a journalist and high school teacher in New York and California; washing dishes in Yosemite National Park; teaching English in DC and swimming in Florida; and interning at ESPN in Bristol, which was much less cool that you'd want it to be. My career highlights have been having three of my op-eds run in the New York Times, and being the executive producer of a six-part docu-drama on BET. Because school is cool I have three master's degrees (ODU for MFA, NYU for magazine journalism, University of Connecticut for secondary English education). I live in Norfolk because I believe in its potential. Email your ideas or nicely couched criticism to jesse@altdaily.com.
Other posts by Jesse Scaccia.
Other posts by Jesse Scaccia.








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