What is a woman’s relationship to food?

Take a look at the work of artist Lee Price. She explores this topic in her incredibly realistic work. Price says she has never eaten in the bathtub, and neither have I, but her paintings show both vulnerability and an intimacy with food that speaks to the control the eater is taking over her situation, even if that control is being taken up by losing control, as in, “So I didn’t get the fucking job. I’m going to eat these doughnuts.”� I know whereof I speak.

"Sunday" by Lee Price | dontpaniconline.com

Recently I interviewed for a job I very much needed, and I didn’t get it. Okay, we all face rejection, and we handle it in different ways. If I write a short story and the journals I send it to don’t want it, I neither contemplate suicide nor eat a cheesecake. Having a day when I feel like the worst parent ever also doesn’t send me to the fridge – the liquor cabinet, maybe, but not the fridge. However, if something is riding on my success or failure, something heavy, I am much more likely to take control by engaging in activities that are the equivalent of punishing myself. Really transparent, unclouded thinking such as, Well, if I can’t have that job that would have made our lives immeasurably easier for the first time in ten years, I’m going to be depressed, and if I’m depressed, I won’t go to the gym, and I’m going to bloody well eat whatever I want. These decisions, and that’s very much what they are, have led to me gaining back every pound I lost and adding a few more, just for good measure. Thank goodness tunics are in this year! I have become the owner of a pretty impressive collection of kurtis for a non-Asian.

It would certainly be better, though, if I could wear tunics just because I want to and not because they sort of hide things. If I could wear them not just because the leggings that go with them keep my thighs away from each other. Now that the weather has turned hot, it’s time for bathing suits and shorts, and that means it’s also time for shaving and painful self-consciousness and rashes. You know who you are. Don’t act like you don’t know. In other words, it’s not a good time to be fat and hairy.

Control. It’s something most of us desire in varying amounts. I have been told my fear of vomit(ing), mostly the spew(ing) of others, is a control issue. Don’t laugh; this is a phobia with a name, and not a good phobia for a parent. How do we turn our desire for control into positive action? Rather than eating a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Cinnamon Bun (my absolute fave, by the way), I could eat a light meal and have some delicious fruit for dessert. I like fruit! Rather than watching six episodes of Law & Order Criminal Intent, I could go to the gym or do the yoga video that Sarah lent to me.

Lotus lady | CDC

Coming back from failure or rejection is more difficult sometimes. It has stages, like grieving. First, tears and misery. Nothing will ever be right with the world. Then anger. You knew it wasn’t going to happen anyway; it was all just b.s.� This is followed by choosing something – you weren’t able to choose that job, that house, or that person, but you can choose which show to watch while you eat your chips and salsa. If you’re lucky, you’ll soon realize you feel like crap, and maybe you’ll head outside for a walk, or go to the gym. That’s what I did last week. I got up and went to the gym on Monday and Tuesday, then did yoga on Thursday. This week, I’ve been burning off calories by gutting my kids’ bedroom.

I used to wish I could be one of those people that stops eating when depression hits. I could stop taking medications, I could stop exercising, and I could just lay around in black turtlenecks looking wan and philosophical. I’d go back to my hometown and sit around in the Cafe Reggio in Greenwich Village with my wan friends smoking Gitanes and Gauloises and being thin. We’d pretend to be European. Comme �a.

But that’s not who I am – I’m a Jewish girl who grew up in the tradition of food for every joy and food for every sorrow. In a religion with so many rules about food (if you choose to follow them), there’s also lots of tradition about what kinds of food to eat for different occasions. We have a dairy holiday during which people stay up all night studying scripture and eating cheesecake and blintzes, holidays where eating meat is expected, and life cycle events at which the shape of the food matters (think “The Circle of Life”). When someone dies, we cook and bake. When someone has a baby, we cook and bake. Got beat up at school? Here’s a cookie and a kiss on the cheek. That bully will be sorry when you take over the media. Have another cookie.

All of us spend some portion of our adult lives recovering from the way we grew up. Even if you had an idyllic life, I bet there are things you seek to do differently, or oddball things you do or believe because you never thought about them before. If you don’t think�so, ask your significant other. So I am going to look at this process of taking control of myself as a kind of not recovery, exactly, more a regrouping. I will circle my wagons, I will bring reinforcements, and hopefully soon I’ll have some success to report.