I knew there was still secretly some reason to live.

What isn’t great about this show? You’ve got like 25 pretty, reasonable girls who are desperately trying not to appear crazy. These women say that they’re all emotional because of their love/lust/desperate-need-for-validation for The Bachelor, but I know the real reason that they’ve been crying and fighting and even puking.

Because the energy it takes to not appear crazy when you are crazy is, like, the same as being in an ironman triathalon. And I’m sure none of these chicks is eating enough to sustain that kind of sweat.

Anybody who shows up on a game show and says–before they’ve even met the guy–that they think they expect to end up married at the end of the series is… wow… f’ing bonkers. Even if I went on Press Your Luck I’d expect to get at least 5 Wammies. But to expect the love of your life? Nuts.

Or maybe I’m just pessimistic and kind of neurotic, as has been suggested to me. When I open a bag of Rice Krispies I expect to find, like, a baby foot in there or something. And when I go on a first date I’m always surprised when the girl doesn’t start doing the dance Buffalo Bill did in Silence of the Lambs.

Anyway. I can’t wait for next Monday. Little Ty needs a new mom, y’all!