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Wednesday, December 2, 2009

How Allen Iverson Spent His Retirement

A week ago Hampton native Allen Iverson retired.

"I'm gonna be an astronaut, y'all." (photo: CharlotteWebb)

"I'm gonna be an astronaut, y'all." (photo: CharlotteWebb)

“Stepping away from the game will allow me to spend quality time with my wife and kids,” he said at the time. “This is a reward that far exceeds anything that I’ve ever achieved on the basketball court.”

So much for his wife and kids. Today Iverson announced he was coming back to the NBA with a return to his original team, the Philadelphia 76ers. Which begs the question: how did Iverson spend his golden years… err week? Our crack team of reporters (mainly Jesse’s 110 class at ODU) tracked down every last clue and came up with some answers. Without further ado…

How Allen Iverson Spent His Retirement

1. Talked about practice.

2. Updated his Facebook status to ‘unemployed.’

3. Scrimmaged with the Bethel varsity team. Got his ass kicked.

4. Spent Saturday night at The Wave. Went to that back room and danced all crazy with the skinny gay boys. Was beloved. Ended up at Donut Dinette. Was confused for Prince by a drunk Navy dude. Ate too much. Was happy about the Prince thing, sad about all the food. Emotionally confused, he put on a hoodie and listened to some Beirut under the covers until he fell asleep.

5. Became a coal miner and got the black lung, pop.

6. Got so lazy his personal assistant (Reco) had to chew Iverson’s food and spit it into his mouth like he was a baby bird.

7. Took a drive to Langley. Asked to be an astronaut. Was turned down. Spent the rest of the day sad.

8. Dressed up like a dog and dog-fought Michael Vick (who was also, of course, dressed like a dog).

9. Made a baby with That’s So Raven.

10. Bowling, you know, like how he used to do in the old days.

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Facebook comments:

  • John Short | December 2, 09 @ 7:29 pm

    This was really bad. I mean, 5th grader material bad. If you guys need writers, let me know.

  • Jesse Scaccia | December 2, 09 @ 10:22 pm

    John Short, you are the mist in the morning, the breeze in the afternoon, the rustling of unseen leaves in the night. Keep spreading your beauty, your joy, your goodness.

    Never, ever, change.

    Ever.

  • Trey Wilson | December 2, 09 @ 11:31 pm

    haha to #10

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ABOUT THE WRITER
Jesse is the editor in chief of AltDaily, and he's going to take this bio seriously, but not so seriously that he's going to continue in the third person. I've been involved with a bunch of local projects and civic groups in various roles, including: Hampton Roads, The Canvas; Art | Everywhere, Street Performance in Norfolk; Survive Norfolk; Hampton Roads Pride/Out in the Park; Bike Norfolk; re:Vision Norfolk, and such. I originally came to Norfolk as a Perry Morgan fellow in ODU's creative writing program. Before that I bummed around quite a bit, writing stacks of books that never got published, hitchhiking, couchsurfing, riding the Greyhound up down and back across this country. Some of my favorite jobs and volunteer gigs have included working on organic farms in Ireland; being first mate on an old sail boat in Holland; working at a long-term home for young men in South Africa; being a journalist and high school teacher in New York and California; washing dishes in Yosemite National Park; teaching English in DC and swimming in Florida; and interning at ESPN in Bristol, which was much less cool that you'd want it to be. My career highlights have been having three of my op-eds run in the New York Times, and being the executive producer of a six-part docu-drama on BET. Because school is cool I have three master's degrees (ODU for MFA, NYU for magazine journalism, University of Connecticut for secondary English education). I live in Norfolk because I believe in its potential. Email your ideas or nicely couched criticism to jesse@altdaily.com.
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