So you’ve landed yourself a Valentine, now what?

You know that Valentine’s Day usually starts with a bouquet of flowers, a date, maybe a present, and if you’ve played your cards right, will end with some playtime in the sheets. But how do you ensure you’ve made all the right moves? Did you get the right Valentine’s Day gift that will make your significant other melt in the palm of your hand? Or did you do something that will make your Valentine leave you with a bill for dinner, dessert for one, and your left hand? Here’s a list of the Dont’s that will help you get the Do’s and make sure V-Day 2k11 will be something to talk about in the morning.

Neither this guy nor that machine will help get you laid, my friend. Sorry.

1. Don’t, under any circumstance, buy a vacuum cleaner for your Valentine. Even if they have been talking about how much they really want a new Dyson with the front roller ball, trust me, you will not get the appreciation you had hoped for.

2. Don’t buy any household cleaning or cooking accoutrement. Just like the vacuum cleaner, your Valentine will not be impressed that you bought him or her a meatloaf pan or a Swiffer Wet Jet, even if you’ve heard them complain that they never have the right cookware or that their wooden floors are always so dusty.

3. Don’t do gag gifts. These are a big no-no. Even if your sweetie has the best sense of humor, these gifts will not be tolerated. Nobody wants a Snuggie or a shake weight for Valentine’s day.

4. Don’t buy lingerie. Here’s the deal: unless you’ve been dating for at least three years, DO NOT BUY your significant other something naughty to wear in the bedroom! That should be a gift that they give you. Not vice versa. Lingerie-giving in a new relationship means only one thing: your sex life sucks! Is that the message you really want to send on a night that almost guarantees action? No! Trust us. They’ll wear that sexy nightie alright, for their new beau.

5. Don’t fall victim to the common mistake of talking about the shoulda, coulda, almosts. What I mean is, do not buy your sweetheart one thing and then immediately tell them all the things you almost bought, but didn’t. That’s like saying, “I got you this mediocre present instead of this really awesome something, because I wasn’t sure if you’d like it.” Or don’t plan a romantic night and talk about all the things you could have done instead. You want whatever you planned or bought to make your date feel special. Waving all the alternatives in their face is only going to get them thinking about the what ifs instead of the what’s right in front of them.

6. Don’t think you have to spend a lot of money on Valentine’s Day. I know I’ve been talking about a lot of materialistic dont’s, but the truth of the matter is: A great Valentine’s Day present is something from the heart. It doesn’t have to be jewelry or candy boxes, but something more personal that really shows how much you love that person. A little vulnerability will go a long way. Write a poem, paint a picture, write a letter, send an email. Bottom line, give a piece of yourself.

Don't invite your friends on dates, dummy.

7. Don’t invite your friends on your date. While you might feel bad that your BFFL is single on V-day, this is not the time to show how much you love them. I suggest leaving them at home with a heart-shaped Papa John’s pizza and a coupon for the Redbox. A box of chocolates would probably sweeten the deal as well.

8. Don’t bring your phone out during “romantic time.” This should probably be a general rule for all romantic occasions, not just V-day. I know it’s really hard to not play Angry Birds every ten minutes, especially with the new levels being available, but C’MON! It will be okay! I promise. And you can respond to all your BBMs in the morning. They’ll still be there. In the end, your date will most likely reward you undivided attention with a little somethin’ somethin’ if you know what I mean. (Nudge, Nudge, Wink, Wink).

9. Don’t plan to eat at some place that is completely foreign to you. Bad service and underwhelming food will put both you and your date in Grumpy-ville. If you go out to eat on Valentine’s Day, you want to feel taken care of. So picking a place you know or has been recommended by someone you trust is a safe bet. Another good touch is some place that the two of you have a history with, i.e. a first date or somewhere that makes their favorite food. Another big thing to consider is any dietary accommodations your date might need and if the restaurant you’ve chosen has a substantial number of options to choose from. There’s nothing worse than making reservations, waiting for a table, and realizing all your date can eat is french fries or a salad.

10. Don’t forget to have fun! Valentine’s Day does not have to be perfect. Don’t fret if it’s raining out or you’re feeling fat that day (I’m sure you look fabulous!). Just remember, you’ve got the one you want already. The hard part is over.