I think we can all get a little oversaturated from time to time.

You know what I mean?

It’s natural. You get into a groove or a rut or a pattern and you just keep on keeping on. Until, of course, it gets noticeably uncomfortable, whatever it is, and it begins to become obvious. It’s time to take a break. It’s time for…a fast, of sorts.

About a year ago, I got oversaturated by a staggering heartbreak that worked all the genius out of my system. My lover, “Noel,” and I mutually decided to end a two-year struggle for togetherness that just always seemed too difficult for one or the other of us to keep sticking up for. We said it’s over and I drowned. Failure. Funk. Meh. In an effort to recover and restore, I made a decision:

I told my friends, my family, my co-workers and my cat–I’m starving myself for a cause. My heart. My head. My sanity. Myself. I’m going on a man-fast.

I don’t recommend this for everyone. It wasn’t easy, and I will admit to cheating once and thinking about cheating at least a hundred times. The obvious question is, of course, why? Why refrain? Why restrict?

When Noel and I split, I felt like I’d lost a part of myself. I couldn’t tell what was him or what was me. What was his fault, what was mine? Who was responsible for the hurt? Whose bad choices had caused me so much pain and angst? It would have been easy to hate him, but I didn’t. I still loved him and that made it worse. Worse still, was my complete exhaustion on relationships. I just felt burned out and tired. I wanted, for once, to not worry, not fight, not struggle, not account for another’s needs and baggage and shit. I couldn’t focus, couldn’t hack it, couldn’t muster the energy to sort through the rubble and find some resolution. I just wanted to be okay. I had to wall off the fort. And shut down for a while.

What happened to me during the course of that man-fast, I can only explain it like this: I had to go to my darkest, coldest places and sit still for a while. And I had to do it alone. I had to sit myself down and recognize my fear and then, I had to open my eyes, adjust to my surroundings and begin to realize. It’s not that bad. It’s not that scary. It’s just me and the things I’m afraid of losing that I’ve been running from. It’s just me and the things I’ve always wanted to get back that I’m chasing after. I had an epiphany:

In all my years of dating and loving, I’d just been looking for Me in Men.

In Noel, I’d finally found myself. He brought out all of my worst character traits, pushed my buttons at all the perfect moments, waved every red flag I’d ever known and still, I was infatuated. Riveted. Nailed. Stuck. In that hungry state of Only Mira, I finally knew. He brought me back to my biggest fear: intimacy. He threw in my face, my largest shortcoming in relationships: ambivalence.

Happily, I will tell you, I’m not fasting anymore. I’m back on the sauce, off the wagon, taking in solids, digesting appropriately. I wouldn’t say I’m feasting by any means, and I’ll admit that I get really freaked out and afraid at the thought of seriousness and commitment with another man. I loathe the lengthy process of introduction and consideration: Are we chemically on? And if we are…is that a good thing or a bad thing? Now that I’m so in tuned to my shit, it’s hard to ignore. Do I like Mr. X because he’s Mira-esque? Or do I like Mr. X because he’s fabulously Mr. X-like? I don’t want to keep hunting my demons in other people. Unconsciously, I do want someone else to help me feel better about them. After all, we all want to feel understood, right?

Perhaps you find yourself in need of a little detox. Maybe some former flame stole your thunder and the secret to your success. It may be time to submerge yourself in…yourself. It might not hurt to turn the flashlight on that cranny you’ve been ignoring, in your corner. I’m not telling you to pack it up and ship out to Eskimo territory for a little one-on-one with you, yourself and your evil twin. I’m just saying, as we investigate the way we want to love and live and work with another, really, we may want to call on a line from a musical mastermind, recently having passed away and left a vacancy of another kind in my life. In the words of the great King of Pop, we might say to ourselves:

“I’m starting with the man in the mirror. I’m asking him to make a change. And no message coulda been any clearer. If you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and then make that change.”

Nanana nanana nana nana.