Heading into the holiday season is, for me, a little nutty.

"Fat, old white guys, steeped in red velvet only inspire me to itch."

And by nutty, I mean it usually really sucks. I’m not one of those gals with the plaid headband and the giant reindeer-embossed sweater and the bedazzled, navy blue corduroy jacket.

When I was growing up, the holidays were just kind of hellacious. We stopped having Christmas trees in my house some time around 10 or 11 years old. That aside, I never felt inclined toward all the activity, either. I hate the mall at almost any time of the year; and fat, old white guys steeped in red velvet only inspire me to itch. All I want for Christmas is not skanked-out Mariah Carey on a sled in the snow with a puppy. Not even a little bit. Eggnog upsets my tummy, I don’t eat meat and the only thing I can consume with reckless abandon seems to be champagne. Which actually only leads me further into the quagmire of my duress. And one more thing. Last year my cat died on Christmas. Cue those fucking strings already!

But…every year’s a newbie and I tell myself: It’s gonna be okay, babycakes. This year you’re going to Tiny Tim your way into a whole new attitude.

For one I’m recently seeing someone new. Last year, I was on my man-fast, and the three years before that, I was in a serious relationship. So, this is my first holiday, post dead-cat, post ex-boyfriend drama and post well, any other crazy crap that happened before all of that.

In honor of the change, I thought I’d create for myself a little program to get me through the next month. It’s a sort of energy-maintenance plan, designed to keep me laughing around the punchbowl instead of leering into the toilet bowl. If I make it through this one without any dying animals, wounded relationships, aching heads and swollen ankles then, who knows, maybe I’ll actually be able to cultivate a little holiday spirit someday after all.

Here’s my plan for keeping it together:

1. I’m going to step up my yoga practice. Stat. If you happen to be looking for good places to go, I recommend these two: The Space Above Yoga on 21st Street in Ghent, www.thespaceabove.com; and Angela Phillips Yoga Studio on First Colonial Road in VB, www.angelaphillipsyoga.com.
2. 

   Key to a happy holiday? My Xanax scrip.

   I’m going to go fill my Xanax prescription, Right Now. If you don’t have a prescription and are considering one, don’t ask to bum one off me. I’m hording. But maybe you should go see your primary care doctor and tell him or her that you’re feeling like you need to chill. ASAP. I go to Dr. Richard Sokol at Westside Medical Practice (Downtown Norfolk. 757.388.1280).

3. I’m going to create a beautiful and peaceful playlist of love songs, old favorites from loving times past and definitely include lots of 1|Beyonce; 2|Diana Ross; and 3|Marvin Gaye. Anything by Mariah Carey, Lady GaGa, Kanye West or Miley Cyrus is off limits.
4. I’m going to spend as much time as I can surrounded by my most positive and lovable friends. In fact, I’m extending invitations, right now. Positive, lovable friends: Please invite me the fuck over. You know I need it.
5. I’m going to go ahead and tell the new guy in my mix that I can get a little kooky during this time of year. I’m hoping that being honest will at least relieve me of any additional, unnecessary expectations. And? If he can’t speak crazy, even a little, well, maybe we aren’t meant to be. I can’t change this gig overnight. I’m going to need a little compassion.
6. If he decides to stick around, anyway, I’m going to ask him to tell me at least twice a day that I look really beautiful. Even if I’m in hobo-mode. Even if I’m hungover. Especially if I end up falling off course and skipping the first four of these directives.
7. I’m going to hit up the Norfolk SPCA and hold kitties, snuggle little mutts and maybe even consider bringing one home as a gift to myself. Or I might “borrow” one of my friend’s or family member’s pets for daily walks, huggling and just overall animal adoration.
8. I’m going to go to the library and pick up no less than three cookbooks with vegetarian-friendly recipes for the holidays. Then I’m going to cook some vittles that suit my belly’s interests. And then I’m going to bring it all with me to my holiday meal on that darling day of. So even if I do work out the champagne drain, I won’t completely wipe out on my typical liquid-only diet.

I’m not saying that this plan is foolproof and completely preventative, but it’s a good start. And that? Is all I need right now.

Amen and Hallelujah and let the games begin.