20 Sensationally Sleazy Singles!
Words Allison Hurwitz
Friday, January 23rd, 2009 at 2:58 pm
Inspired by Hampton Roads Magazine‘s annual “20 Sensational Singles” feature and a particularly horrifying ex-boyfriend , I felt compelled to offer a companion addendum.
20 Sensationally Sleazy Singles!
[Ed. note: It's actually just one Sleazy Single. I went ahead and answered the HRM questions for him. Also I swear I did not make any of this shit up. *Name changed to protect the asshole.]
- “HEY LADIES!” Exhibit A. -credit-
Douchey McDouchebag*
Kids? A few women have said I got them pregnant but they were lying.
If yes, how many? 4-10. Allegedly.
Ever Been Married? No.
Length of longest relationship: Technically six months. But I’ve been known to string them along for a few years or whatever while I profess my love to other hot ladies. Ho’s in different area codes.
I spend way too much time on: Internet pornography.
Favorite Book: Whatever the girl I am on a date with says is hers.
Favorite movie: Whatever the girl I am on a date with says is hers.
Can you meet the love of your life in a bar? I don’t know; but I can convince them I’m theirs…
Worst pick-up line you’ve ever used: No lines; just Manson-esque mind-control tactics.
Describe yourself at 13 in three words or less: Set fire to cats.
Love me, love my… Girls on the side.
I once dumped someone because… She asked me one too many overly intrusive questions. (Verbatim: “How many brothers and sisters do you have?”)
Biggest deal breaker? Self-esteem.
My best friends would describe me as: Untrustworthy, dishonest, narcissistic, douchebag, general personality of a used-car salesman.
In your opinion what is the most useless animal? Female homosapien.
Celebrity Crush? Jenna Jameson.
What cause are you most passionate about: Jesus Christ. Unless the girl I’m dating is an atheiest; then it’s the war or something.
One thing about you that no one would guess by looking at you: I wet the bed and have a criminal record.
If you could choose one song to play every time you entered the room it would be… “I’m too sexy.”
Ladies (or gentlemen)— Do YOU know a Sensationally Sleazy Single in Hampton Roads? If yes, please post! Let’s blow this feature up, ya’ll.
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Snark much, Allison?
I love it.
I thought you said you weren’t gonna print any of that? Thanks alot.
I laughed so hard when I read this that my fly Aviator shades almost fell off, but then I pulled myself together, put a little more gel in my spiky hair and popped my collar a little higher. Where the hell are my cargo shorts?!
Barbie Barscene
Kids? Ewww. Do you have any idea what that does to your body?
If yes, how many? My mom has kids, but she’s gross!
Ever Been Married? No.
Length of longest relationship: Six hours, but it was real love.
I spend way too much time on: Learning all the lyrics to hot rap songs that degrade women so that I can sing along to them right before I make out with my friends until guys pay attention to me. I love you, Lil; Wayne!
Favorite Book: What?
Favorite movie: What’s that movie that is out right now with that guy and that girl? You know, from myspace? It’s soooo funny!
Can you meet the love of your life in a bar? Of Course! I’ve done it, like, 20 times.
Worst pick-up line you’ve ever used: Who needs lines? That’s why Abercrombie makes mini-skirts.
Describe yourself at 13 in three words or less: Sooooo popular.
Love me, love my… Closeted lesbian best friend.
I once dumped someone because… I’ve NEVER been dumped.
Biggest deal breaker? Ugly car.
My best friends would describe me as: I hope they say I’m a great dancer. LOL. LOL. LOL.
In your opinion what is the most useless animal? I don’t know… what do ducks do?
Celebrity Crush? Ashton Kutcher… No, wait, that Twilight guy.
What cause are you most passionate about: Sometimes they let ugly people into Bar Norfolk. We should, like, go on strike over that.
One thing about you that no one would guess by looking at you: I cry myself to sleep everynight.
If you could choose one song to play every time you entered the room it would be… “Hot in Herre”
Also, does anyone on here know Douchey McDouchebag’s phone number?
All right…. The single scene sucks, but it is quite amusing!