Thursday, June 24, 2010
10 Things Humans Don’t Need Anymore
Words Scott Carter
Thursday, June 24th, 2010 at 5:47 am
It’s high time we made some improvements to this human species of ours.
I’m not talking about buying cars with higher gas mileage, planting trees, recycling or any of that other hippy-dippy stuff you know you should be doing anyway. I think we need to start making some serious changes. Here is a short list of ten things that we can do without.
See, only bad stuff happens in these things. (Photo | Edward Betts)
10. Racism - Historically speaking it was probably a good idea to keep your loved ones away from the white man, but today it’s much more entertaining to judge people based on who they are rather than what they are.
9. Fanny packs – These evil satchels have been making Americans look bad for decades and it’s time we created a law against them. This is one of the few mass-burning events I would endorse.
8. Long fingernails – I can see where at one point in our history, having long dagger-like finger nails may have been a useful tool or weapon. Now they just keep people from being able to type efficiently. There should be a limit on how far out they grow. By the way, ladies, men do not really care what your fingernails look like as long the hands they are attached to aren’t bigger than ours.
7. Roadside phone booths – I’m pretty sure that only drug dealers and the mafia still use these. Perhaps removing them will make them rethink their life choices.
6. Rippling muscles – Women love this, but never seem to remember that it will one day become this. Not to mention how much time is wasted in maintaining them. I’m probably including this one out of jealousy.
5. Tail bones – This useless item causes nothing but pain for many of us. Did you know there are over 100 reports of human babies being born with tails? For reals.
Screw this thing. (Photo | Alan Cleaver)
4. Wisdom teeth – As we have evolved, we’re eating softer foods. This means we are not wearing through our teeth, which leads to crowding inside your mouth. This item is not endorsed by the American Dental Association.
3. Alarm clocks – Um, use your cell phone – duh. What Hollywood will do to show frustration at waking up in the morning is not my problem.
2. Spoken Internet slang – When I hear a person say “b-r-b” or “w-t-f” out loud, I really want to do something I’d regret and possibly be arrested for.
1. Hippies – Though a jovial bunch, I’m not sure what they contribute to society. Unless you count tie-dying, which they didn’t invent and don’t do very well. Despite all their tree hugging I’ve never seen one avoid a nice wooden chair or a Kerouac book. Hippies should stop pondering life and live it.
These improvements will pretty much fix the world, mostly. Did I miss something? Add it in the comments.
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ABOUT THE WRITER
Scott Carter lives in Norfolk and works in the technology industry. He enjoys things no one else does, like silent movies and Internet humor.
Other posts by Scott Carter.
Other posts by Scott Carter.
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Gotta argue the hippies line. Free love and a good energy are worthy, valid contributions to society. Also, stoner philosophy. Embrace it!
I think car horns are utterly awful. Mostly because they are generally used, not in the appropriate ‘tap’ to let someone know of your presence, but in the more intrusive ‘BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM’ to let them know of your annoyance. Which is like walking in a crowd and just shouting aimlessly as loud as you can every time someone bumps into you.
I vote against car horns. They should at least be illegal in Hampton Roads. I love living here, I do. It’s gorgeous. But what is up with crazy ass driving and mega horn assaults?
(While this may be a testament to my stubborn adherence to the speed limit, I’ve noticed this when other people are driving me around as much as when I’m driving:) )
sd
You should include Hipsters if you count Hippies.
Sorry about the previous two letter nonsense, anyway on to the real post.
Where or what is merit in this article? It just seems like random drivel. Scott, I’m sure you had good ideas and great intentions but this seems pointless. More like a Facebook social note than a blog post. I may be alone in saying this but I think blog posts like this are a detriment to the actual purpose or usefulness they could have. How about for serious change we have serious dialogue and opinions, save stuff like this for idle conversation. Again, I believe intentions were there, but just because you can doesn’t always mean you should.
Also, I like the fact the first thing on your list is a form of intolerance, then everything else are things about other people you are intolerant of. So, what kind of social change are you really searching for?
It’s a satire piece, not to be taken so seriously. FYI.
My apologies. Guess I should open my own eyes and not be so intolerant or critical of others.
7. I actually think there should be more phone booths. It is surprisingly hard to have a quiet conversation in the middle of a city. The only drawback is that drunk people will use them as toilets
3. I just bought an alarm clock because my cell phone not aggressive enough in waking me up.
As far as this being not serious enough or judgemental, it is listed under entertainment and humor. And I found it both entertaining and humorous, so thanks.
I will go back to the article wrote a few weeks ago about people hating on Phish fans. Which relates here because most Phish fans would self-describe themselves as hippies. Why does everyone wanna hate on hippies? Is it because people see hippies enjoying life more than they are? I’ve never met more loving and good natured people than hippies.
What is a hippie? Am I a hippie? I think I have some tie-dye underpants somewhere.
Really – guys don’t care about my nails?
If you’re going to have fanny packs on there, you should definitely add those crocs that people wear. Ridiculous.
As for what’s a hippie, I don’t really think it’s what you wear, but more an attitude towards life. Then again, I’ve recently been called a “dirty hippie” by an angry female, so I don’t know.
I’d add men wearing womens jeans half down their behinds. Not hating on Hipsters, just saying, that can’t be very comfortable.
I use both an alarm clock and the cell phone alarm, which is usually set for another 15 minutes later. Usually the alarm clock often does the trick, but on those occasional mornings when I’m really groggy, the cell comes in handy.