Out in the Park is tomorrow, Sunday June 5th, at Town Point Park in Downtown Norfolk.

It is going to be a beautiful late Spring day in Hampton Roads, Virginia. There will be laughter. There will be dancing. There will be old friends re-connecting, new friends being made, and a sense of community that will make you feel all lit up from the inside.

Happy.

There might also be anti gay protesters.

They’re not going to be all that hard to spot. Anti gay protesters can typically be identified by one of a few common traits:

- Anti gay signs

- Their yelling of nasty things

- Their gross inability to interpret the Bible in a loving, sane way.

(For some reason I also assume they will have pasty skin, will be wearing Velcro sneakers, and have a sad, I-just-want-to-be-loved yearning in their eyes. But that’s probably just me.)

How should one deal with these strange, misguided creatures? Like Mogwai, it’s probably easier to tell you what *not* to do with them.

Here are ten things you should NOT DO if there are protesters at Out in the Park:

1. Pay them any mind. This is first and foremost. Drama only exists when you let it. It’s like your ex’s Facebook page: It only drives you crazy when you let yourself look at it for too long.

BJ.

2. Engage in theological discussions. The concept that God hates gay people is too absurd to warrant serious conversation. Take Billy Joel’s advice, and don’t try to argue with a crazy (ma ma ma ma) man.

3. Try to kiss them. Even though we all get the irony, they will not.

4. Yell at them. Not to get all Miss Manners on yo asses, but raising one’s voice is never becoming. Leave yelling to the stupids. We’re better than that.

5. Lend them money. There’s just something I don’t trust about anti gay protesters.

6. Get in their faces. If you are compelled to engage with protesters, give them some space. In a crowded, volatile situation, physical contact happens inadvertently, and physical contact is what turns an argument into a fist fight. Respect the personal space of the people that hate you. Real talk. And what, you like stale egg salad sandwich breath?

7. Take vacation advice from them. I simply refuse to believe that anti-gay protesters take fun trips. Don’t let them convince you otherwise.

People who wear Velcro shoes are likely to be going through a hard time. Go easy on them.

8. Allow them to be the focal point of your conversations with friends. Waste. Of. Your. Breath. I mean, isn’t there something more inspiring to talk about? Like the fact that DJ Lady Miss Kier (of Deee-Lite) is onstage?

9. Try to engage in rational discussions. Okay, in the absolutely perfect, ideal, controlled, safe environment you might be able to convince the most open-minded of anti gay protesters that being homophobic is immoral or illogical. But there is no way in the world that at Out in the Park you are going to change a hateful person’s mind. Zero.

My friend Chad, a veteran of many Prides, put it this way:

“It’s literally like arguing with a dog about why it chases a cat, and trying to convince it not to. It’s like trying to convince a rat to not sneak around at night. It’s like trying to convince a fly to not land on a turd. It’s trying to change the mind of someone that doesn’t have a mind. They’re brainless, because they’ve been brainwashed.”

10. Most Importantly: Again, do not pay them any attention. I’d go so far to say that if you let them mess up your day, that’s on you. Crazy people run around all crazy doing crazy things. Not much you can do about it but ignore it.

Here is what I suggest you do:

Enjoy your friends. Look at the boats pass on the Elizabeth River. Watch the shadows cast by the Downtown skyline. Out in the Park comes once a year. Let it sink in. Be happy, because you’ll be among friends.

But we are looking for some soldiers for the front line in the fight for a peaceful world: The Out in the Park Love Patrol.

Patrick put it this way: Are you laid back, maybe part hippie, and full of sunshine for all mankind?

If the answer is Yes to all, join the Love Patrol. If there are protesters the Love Patrol will go up to them, turn their backs, and dance. No grinding (please, no one ever grind in public, ever again.) They will also sing, whatever song they want–obnoxious or otherwise–to drown out the nasty sounds. The Hokey Pokey. Kumbaya. We are the World. Doesn’t matter. All that matters is that love is stronger than hate, and if there are anti gay protesters at Out in the Park tomorrow, we get our chance to prove it.

If you’re interested in being part of the Love Patrol, send an email to hrpvolunteers@gmail.com.

Some inspiration:

Even the Pres is into it (:34 mark)