I first heard about Chatroulette! from the Daily Show.

Jon Stewart indicated it was a trite trend piece. The site, which randomly matches you with other users to chat with, was depicted to be populated exclusively by journalists and guys showing their dicks.

This is Jesse and a new friend on chatroulette!

A few days later, when asked to write a piece about Chatroullette!, I said of course. Finally I was going to seize the zeitgeist and make it my mistress. So I sat on it a few days and did nothing. Then, today, I didn’t have anything better to do. Eshewing journalistic crutches like “research,” I am now going to jump into the murky waters of chatroulette.com.

3:30 PM

chatroulette.com.  Just one l.

3:31 PM

I just gave the site permission to use my webcam and microphone. I just have to click “new game” to start. For no good reason, I’m excited.

3:34 PM

The first guy got rid of me before I could type anything. That’s okay, I didn’t feel like talking to another white guy either.

I’m not sure why I went racial so quickly, but it does seem that over-reported Internet trends seem to be dominated by/subsist on my own demographic. On Chatroulette!, where webcams figure into it, the element is removed where we pretend to be fifteen-year-old Asian girls sexually harassing each other. When you just see webcam after webcam of other mundane people much like yourself, it is too much like the mirror you use the Internet to avoid.

3:35 PM

The image is just a middle finger pointed sideways. I’ll try and ask him something. No response. I guess it’s my turn to give this thing a spin and find somebody else.

3:37 PM

Cute girl. How did that happen?

You: what’s crackin?

Stranger: sorry but i speak french

You: a ha!

Stranger: why ah ah ?

Stranger: ?

You: cute american girls don’t wind up in silly places like this.

Stranger: sorry but i don’t understand , i said to you i am french

Stranger: you know speak french ?

You: no francais.  au revoir.

3:41 PM

My pasty webcam image is getting instantly ditched quit a bit. It generally seems to be a bunch of white guys flipping through other white guys. Also realize I’m missing a lot of people while typing this, but this does not bother me. This seems to be what Chatroulette! teaches. People, myself included, are disposable and there’s always more of them. Most of them, however, are boring white guys.

3:45 PM

One guy talked to me for a second, but apparently my Tom Haverford inspired “what’s crackin’?” greeting didn’t impress him much. Nor did I want to impress him much. Early impressions…Chatroulette! is booooring. I haven’t even seen a penis yet.

3:49 PM

My computer doesn’t seem to be talking to the site very well.  My web image is frozen and the chat is glitchy. Hopefully that gets resolved.

Had to refresh and start over once every ten to twenty minutes. Oh, the lengths I’ll go to see a stranger’s penis.

3:52 PM

“what’s crackin’?” has struck out. I’m amending my greeting to “yoyoyo.” This gentleman is masturbating. He got rid of me before I could greet him. Well, I’m glad I got to see one of these penises the media promised me.

3:58 PM

You: yoyoyo

You: you seem to be covered in scarves and headphones.  are you shy?

This stranger did not respond.

4:05 PM

In chat as in life, I am prone to filling up conversational gaps by blathering about Woody Allen.

You: yoyoyo

Stranger: yoyoyoyo

You: what brings you to chatroulette on this fine afternoon?

Stranger: a friend of mine

Stranger: she told me about it

You: i see.  you don’t have an image.  should i assume you are a caucasian male like everybody else here?

Stranger: i donīt know

You: i’m just going to pretend not.  i’m george.  what is your name?

Stranger: julia

You: and do you have any interests or hobbies, julia?  do you like music and movies and stuff?

You: what is your favorite woody allen movie?

You: i think mine is zelig

Stranger: The only one I really like is The life of Brian

You: yes, we’re all individuals!

Stranger: Iīm sorry, no Woody Allen fan

Stranger: Have a nice evening, george

You: it has been a pleasure

Stranger: bye;)

You: au revoire, julia

I actually did find it endearing that she confused Monty Python with Woody Allen.

4:08 PM

Chatroulette! is taking awhile finding a random stranger for me. I better try a refresh.

4:15 PM

The way to get men to stop talking to me is the same way I inadvertently cause women to stop talking to me: just start talking about Prince. Either it will be alienating and off-putting, or somebody will be able to keep up with Prince shop talk, in which case they’re probably worth talking to anyway.

You: yoyoyo

Stranger: hy

Stranger: from?

You: so yr not wearing a shirt.  is it hot where you are?

You: i’m from virginia

Stranger: no i’m from austria

You: and we do have things to do other than cook, if you were wondering.

Stranger: i would show my body

You: no thank you, i’m more interested in yr thoughts

Stranger: in what?

You: what brings an austrian such as yourself to chatroulette?

You: what stimulates your intellectual curiosity?

Stranger: naked people and you

You: why me, stranger?

You: i’m sorry, this is awkward.  my name is george, what is yours?

Stranger: ronald

Stranger: you were very sexy

You: nice to make your acquaintance, ronald.  i was very sexy?  did something happen to make me not sexy, or are you just getting your english verb tenses mixed up?

Stranger: yes

Stranger: i know

You: i like to think i am, was and always will be a sexy motherfucker

You: do you like prince, ronald?

You: what is yr favorite album?

Stranger: yes

You: i think mine is sign o’ the times.

Stranger: i don’t know

> Your partner disconnected.

Works every time.

4:19PM

Chatroulette! can be glitchy. I’ve already had to refresh a few times. That is not so problematic as the thing that’s generally wrong with the internet anyway: a grand social experiment proving only how boring and mundane people really are. I have seen three phalli, though.

Most of the penises switched me off before I could even give them a “yoyoyo.” This makes me wonder what they were looking for by masturbating on Chatroulette!, and whether they found it. Searching for a woman seems time intensive enough (I found two in an hour). But then a woman who cares to watch you masturbate? Maybe I’m just not an enticing enough white boy webcam image for these users to jerk it to, which is unfortunate because I’m sure I could have stimulated them greatly with conversation about Woody Allen, Prince etc. It is almost an ego blow, but luckily I can comfort myself knowing at least one pasty Austrian took a shine to me. As for the racial count, everybody white so far.

4:24 PM

Chatroulette! is taking it’s sweet time finding a stranger for me, so I’m really just making faces for the webcam at this point.

With the time lag and low framerate, this was more fun than it sounds like. More fun than chatting, I found.

4:27 PM

The shit just got real. I actually talked for about ten minutes to a pretty ordinary, reasonable guy. He’s in the Navy and coming to Norfolk and I was able to give him some apartment hunting advice. Unfortunately my shockwave player failed before I could copy it, so did this conversation ever really happen? If a tree falls in the middle of a forest, what is the sound of one hand playing solitaire? So it is possible to find a decent conversation on Chatroulette! Is anything more boring than that?

It was amusing enough to do this for an hour and write about it, but I must say that I do not recommend this site as a proper internet timewaster. I think if I stayed on this site for more than an hour or so, it would just become Todd-Solondz-level sad.