Ladies and gentlemen, we live in a world of chaos. At this very moment, the best and brightest minds of our times are dealing with a war on two fronts; climate change that is forcing us to look at how everything, from our own rather plump (but still well-proportioned, we promise) asses, to moves from place to place; all the while trying to preserve that which we have achieved in the past, while attempting to bring light to the downtrodden and oppressed people of the world. However, a specific group has caused as much harm as 30 Iran Contra scandals: ballers.

Their lifestyles damage mother earth with each act. Ballers are known to dress themselves in the finest of furs, as Jay-Z has clarified: chinchilla. The cost of raising, electrocuting, and processing their carcasses is astronomical. This cost is not just financial. Workers are taken from other labor, meaning less people to raise food. Additionally, keeping these animals alive leaves a huge carbon foot print. Lastly, the wattage used to dispense the chinchillas from their coats would be better used otherwise.

Fresh to death?  Almost.

Ballers are known for their flashy cars. These flashy cars, such as sports cars and SUVs have horrible gas mileage, thus, ballers use more gas per capita than any other people. In addition to its carbon footprint, Xzibit’s fleet alone probably drove the cost of gas up 10 cents during the shortage of 2008. Also contributing to a rather large carbon footprint is champagne. Champagne is commonly referred to as “bubbly.” These bubbles are made from Carbon Dioxide (a greenhouse gas). For each bottle of champagne popped, a certain amount is released into the atmosphere. According to calculations I’ve just performed in my own head, T-Payne alone has probably changed the climate as much as 25 Toyota hybrids.

Most obvious of all is their love for heavy and rare metals such as gold and platinum. While, yes, shiny, the processing of these elements into jewelry often requires the use of toxins such as mercury and arsenic in order to separate the precious elements from the cheaper parts of the ore. This work is often performed in third world countries by people who are underpaid for the dangerous and poisonous work they do.

Slick Rick may or may not be single-handedly responsible for the death of  9 boys in the Republic of Congo.

So, before you run up on the dancefloor cuz, girl, they playin my jam, stop and think for a moment. That guy who’s telling you to take off your clothes due to the temperature might as well be clubbing baby seals to the beat of an 808. If you think I’m lying, just look what Chris Brown’s been up to.

He’s been beating Rhianna up. Just in case you didn’t feel like googling it.  He’s certainly not going to be welcome under her Umbrella-ella-ella-etc anymore.